A Retrospective: Not So Newbie Anymore

I have a confession to make. I'm a medical cannabis user.

Being a medical cannabis user is entirely different from being a recreational user, or an occasional user.

Using marijuana medically takes a whole new level of commitment. And not just from you, but also from the ones you live with and the medical professionals who support you. Strangely enough it takes a community of support for a person to be a medical marijuana patient, so I realize I'm contradicting myself when I say that. I have complained before that being a MMJ patient is a lonely place to be because I have had chosen to learn so much alone.

Hubby "hot boxed" the Barn!

I focused on the 'doing things alone' and so sought out others who also smoke marijuana. Whether it was recreational or medical use wasn't an issue for me. I wanted to experience the culture of puff, puff, pass. And I totally have! But I eventually came to the realization that I was sorely lacking in one side of my support system. I had no one else around me who was a medical user and I was starting to feel that lack.



It took nearly a year of reading, discussion and documentary watching to come to the terrifying decision to try Cannabis in the first place. It has been nearly a year of using it now, but somewhere along the way I stopped reading, talking and learning. The reason was because I knew more than everyone else in my  immediate circle about cannabis. I'm no scholar! I know I really know very little on such a vast yet vastly under scientifically studied subject! But any time I tried to have conversations with someone about the science, or the effects, or even the politics of marijuana usually left me exhausted from talking so much. I'd have to back tract all the time, needing to first explaining three other articles I read that somehow related to the topic that was on my mind at the time. Eventually I just stopped learning all together since I didn't have anyone to converse with about the things I was learning.

THAT was lonely! So I ignored that part of my life and just eventually got off track.

Then I meet a real newbie, and that changed everything!

meme and picture are my originals

A friend introduced me to someone who has been a secret pot smoker most of her 45+ years. Nice lady. Some stuff started to dawn on me as we smoked. Like when she was surprised to hear that it is impossible to die from an overdose of pot. I wondered why, if you actually thought something could kill you, why would you ever smoke it?!! But then again I'm not much of a risk taker in life; proven by a full year of learning before asking the one person I knew for a try.

It was my second encounter with her that really woke me up to where I had allowed myself to slip to. Pure coincidence that she was part of it actually. A common friend invited us out to a bar to see a great local band one evening. Not having those invitations often I jumped at the offer and said yes. "Oh, could you do us a favour and roll us a joint, we'll pay your way in and your drinks". I almost hesitated. But when we sit around a table we all pitch in so I didn't really worry about it. It wasn't until we arrived and the ladies had to find a hidden corner to light their newly acquired joint before they went in, that I realized my blunder.

They had to hide. I did not.
I had with me my vape, and my licence from my mmj provider. As long as I followed the laws regarding smoking I was fully allowed to stand outside the bar and use my vape, or smoke a joint if I choose, no fear. Then it dawned on me that I had given them that weed, and by mere association in that situation I could be in trouble legally. It was THAT moment I realized I needed to smarten up, and pay more attention. I recognized I needed to include more people in my life who were likeminded and pursuing a similar life path. I needed a medical marijuana community and I needed to get over my fear of doing that.

So here I am. Not so much of a Newbie as I once was, and again actively learning. I wouldn't give up
my Barn buddies for the world! They have been a big and wonderful part of my life over the last year!  To round out my support system I have now been to two meetings at my local MFT and met some wonderful military and non-military women who are also new medical marijuana users. That's a total of four things I have in common with them right there! It took a lot to get into that first meeting. Lots of will power over the fear that was trying to escalate to terror. But I did it, and I am SO very glad I dared to be brave.

Its been a very unexpected and wonderfully stretching first year. Here's looking at a second year of building new friendships, deepening my understanding of how best to medicate for me as well as understanding the issues and the science behind Cannabis as a whole in general. I don't want to be a simple follower, or user. I want what I do to matter.  But I will just have to see where year two takes me.
I know one thing for sure! I intend to be more pursuant regarding life and less reactive.

Bring on Year TWO!

Open Letter To Anyone Considering Cannabis

Dear First Timer

I know how weird it can feel to stand at the edge of your life looking over at a very strange option, Cannabis. Everything you have tried up until now has not made much difference in your life. But maybe, possibly...you hope, that something as radical as trying Cannabis will finally bring the change you so desperately want and more importantly need!

I'm here to tell you it will! It will change everything! It doesn't change the you who is deep down inside. The you who has been lost, covered up, and scarred by all the crap life has dealt you is still inside somewhere. She/he will again be found through Cannabis. All it does is melt away the pain, the stress, and the mental anguish that have so long been your ever present companions. They really are not worth hanging on to any longer than you already have.

I write from a similar perspective because I was there only six short months ago. But add on top of that the internal struggle I had because I am a Born Again, Baptized, Bible believing, tongues speaking, Holy Spirit filled Christian. I had a lot of stuff to shift through before I was able to make the leap. But next to giving my life to Christ this is the best decision I have ever made for my life. What do I mean by my life has changed? My marriage has changed! My ability to function at work has changed! My physical health has changed! My mental and emotional health has changed, and my family has changed! All for the better.

I could go on an entire day about how my life has improved and all the interesting facts about Cannabis, and the things I have learned in this new improved life of mine, but that would be boring.  Plus, you could just read the older posts in this blog. No, it's time to put your big toe in the water and let the rest of you slide in and relax.

Here's what to have before you start:
Time: Set aside about 2 hours at least, but best if you give yourself the whole afternoon or evening off. Call it ME time, if ya like.
Grab a non-alcoholic drink. Cold and thirst quenching is best.
Bring a snack. Anything will do, but I'm finding that salty seems to be the craving linked with cannabis use.
Bring an iPod, an android, or something to listen to music on.
Be prepared to go to bed, or take a nap

Here's whats going to happen:

Been gifted with a joint?

Take it outside on a nice evening or afternoon (cuz you don't want your house to smell) and while sitting in your most comfy deck chair light it up. If this is your very first time, take no more than two inhales, holding each for about 3 to 5 seconds before exhaling. Then gently butt out the joint and sit back for a few minutes.  Most strains of cannabis will take about 5 to 10 minutes to take effect when inhaled, only a limited few up to 20 or 30 minutes . Have a drink with you to counter this new and unpleasant taste, or cough. It's not pleasant for non-smokers but you can do it. I did.

Some of the things you may feel could include a tingling sensation in the head. Your heart might race. You might feel light headed, or dizzy. You might feel like talking a lot, or not at all (listen to that music you brought). You might get real hungry or thirsty (Ah! Snacks!)  If you feel nothing at all after 20 minutes (which sometimes happens - don't worry) light it up again and take another two inhales. When smoking (or vaping) the effects will last about 1.5 hours. Perhaps longer depending on how much you smoked and how fast or slow your metabolism is.

Just in case you smoked too much the first time (like I did) and you feel like it will never end, know that it will wear off and you will not feel like that forever. There is nothing to fear. No one has died from smoking cannabis (see how I felt when I REALLY overdid it one night). You will most likely want to go to sleep actually. Go ahead. And when you wake up you will feel normal again, but slightly prouder of your self for finally taking that first step.

Been gifted with (Coconut) Infused Oil?
This can be taken two different ways. Topical, which produces no high at all or eaten, which will produce a high.
If you are using it topically, rub it into the skin at the place most effected by pain/inflammation. From my experience I learned that I didn't notice any difference in the pain in my joints after rubbing it in for a week. So I stopped for two days. Those two days my joints were more sore than they had been all week while using the oil topically. I was convinced. It works. I did find it best to apply at least twice a day, especially when working since I'm on my feet all day.

The second way you can use Infused Oil is eating it, or baking with it. Most people make infused butter and bake with it. I have stopped using butter and only use Coconut oil now because it's more versatile and the coconut oil itself has health benefits. It is easy to use and store, it can be used on the skin, or in cooking, I can also melt it in my morning coffee.
If you are eating it for the first time, whether melted in a hot drink, or baked into something, or spread on toast here's what to do and what to expect. I suggest using the oil in a measured amount so you do not over do it. Very first time use no more than 1/8 tsp. If after an hour and a half you felt no different you can take a second dose of 1/8 tsp. Yes, that sounds like a tiny amount because it is. Better that than too much the first time. But remember it doesn't matter if you do take too much the first time, it will wear off eventually, most likely just make you very tired, and not much will happen except a REALLY good nights sleep! After my first experience (which by the way I over did everything because I didn't have anyone to tell me these things) I slept the entire night for the first time in years, and after I woke I felt happy, and like I had a hangover. For me my first experience with eating cannabis lasted 21 hours from start to finish. But I had had a lot! Way more than 1/4 tsp. The point though is that the sensation eventually left. And it didn't last at the same height the whole time either. The overall body sensation came on after an hour of eating, and peaked about a half hour later, lasting about 2 hours and then dissipated very slowly for about 3 more hours. The slight hangover feeling I had lingered but I was able to go to work and mostly ignore it. I definitely noticed when it just stopped, and I was no worse for wear.

On the topic of 'Is this going to harm me in any way?' No, it's not. So far from decades of human experience the adverse side effects of Cannabis use are feeling really hungry and making everything taste REALLY good (I now LOVE A&W Teen burgers), a lovely sense of euphoria, making music really good (worship improved for me too), and a really good sleep. When scientists discovered the
endocannabinoid system that the Cannabis uses to gain entry to our bodies it was also discovered that the only place without these receptors was the brain stem area which controls heart rate, breathing and all our autonomic functions. No receptors = no change. Other, more medically defined effects can include, but are by no means limited to....reduction in pain, reduction in inflammation, reduction or loss of tremors, shakes or spasticity, reduction in migraines, the arrest of glaucoma. Gains include, greater mobility, improved mood over all, better sleep, improved appetite, better sex life, and an improved outlook on life.

No, Cannabis will not take away the years of pain, or trauma suffered. But it will give you better perspective of the future. It will not remove your disorder, disease, or malady but it will improve your quality of life in ways you can hardly believe are possible right now, while you still sit on the fence. Take it from me, one who did everything about this process wrong yet still came out yelling the praises of this controversial medicine to anyone who will listen! When I look back at my life before, I cry. How hopeless and desperate I was back then! Oh, how wonderful and beautiful life is now! It's black and white next to Technicolor!

Have questions? Feel free to ask here, or find me on Facebook by the same name, NewbieOn TheHerb. It is open to the public because I'm about educating and helping others get free too.  Browse the old posts here on my blog. I have been brutally honest about every bit of my experience.

Then....dip that toe in and float!

Success!

 Well, I had the MOST surreal day yesterday! I had my doctor appointment yesterday with the man who would determine if I was a good risk to prescribe Medical Marijuana to. I was super nervous! Had trouble sleeping for the first time in three months since I started taking Cannabis regularly. I felt like I was going to be quizzed about why I wanted to make this jump. In my mind it’s not a huge leap, it’s a sensible one. But in society it is a big deal. Not everyone, in fact most would not understand this decision at all! But I’ve done my homework. I know the risks and benefits. 

I was so nervous I arrived a half hour early…if you know me, I’m always late. I don’t do early. Ever.  I was confused because the office I was going to was in a home with very little signage to tell me what to do….this was rubbing all over my anxiety about being in new places. I was greeted by a friendly familiar face and sat in a comfy sun lit living room. The other patient waiting looked more nervous then I felt, so I started to chat with him. Again, not a normal response for me. I’m usually WAY more shy than to just start talking to a stranger in a strange place.  Surprisingly, they offered a free allergy test…..I refused. In part because nothing is ever free, and second, I had an allergy test several years ago and knew I had allergies, which I take Reactin for daily, amoung other meds. I finally gave in when I found out allergies can come and go within as little as three months. 

My arm is now a mess. But, I had the BEST conversation with the young man

who did the allergy test for me. In fact the conversation was SO unlike the normal boring everyday conversations I have with most people that I realized my world is completely different from the way it was three months ago! Upside down, completely! I also realized I need more people in my life who think like he does. I’m craving relationship with deep and conscientious thinkers. I’m ready to change the world and be part of a new move that brings that about in some way. 

The result. I’m still highly allergic to everything I was seven years ago when I had my first test. The bad news is I’ve been buying, and taking medicine for SEVEN YEARS that is ineffective! I was not told my the initial doctor that the medication he was prescribing me would only be effective for me for about three or four months. I’ve been faithful purchasing a Big Pharm drug for SEVEN years longer than it was effective. A HUGH waste of money! It makes me SO mad!! So we talked about what would be effective, and how to reduce my allergies without meds. I have been empowered with knowledge. 

I finally got to meet the doctor at this point. He was a kind looking gentleman in his early 50’s I’d say. He looked Fatherly. We talked. I told him why I was interested in Cannabis for pain management. Given my diagnosis of torn cartilage and Osteoarthritis the prognosis is surgery in say 20 years to replace my knees. Twenty years is a very long time to subject your liver to high doses of multiple pain killers. In fact the pain killers could do damage to my kidneys or liver. I’ve already been on high doses of both Tylenol and Aleve for about four years now. The Doctor told me things like how over time my need for medical marijuana should decrease instead of increase due to the healing nature of the Herb. It stimulates cell regeneration and it decreases inflammation. Those two things alone will over time actually make my knees better instead of worse. Imagine!!! A medicine that actually helps to heal you rather than add new issues to deal with! 

The doctor tried to tell me further about how some strains are good for day, and others better for night. HAHA! The look on his face when I said, “Right, Indica and Sativa”. He was impressed I have educated myself. This is not something I’m just wanting to use to get high with. I really do want the medicinal benefits! I have done a lot of reading over the last three months. I even told him how surprised I was to hear that one of the Cannabidiol's found in Weed has been discovered to increase bone density. That is important info that may one day help my family with the Brittle Bone disorder they carry genetically. 

We talked about insurance! Whether or not either of our insurance companies cover this prescription he told me how to effectively push them to do so. I admitted I was willing to be a poster child, or an advocate for medical marijuana because of how much it has changed my life already. I even got a little teary eyed as I talked about how the negative talk that was my constant companion just left after trying weed three months ago. I can hardly remember what it was like anymore to always have that there. Such a big change in my life, it still causes me to well up when I even think about it. 

So, I’m approved. I will hear from the marijuana provider in a week or two with my Card number. Then I can order my product online from the supplier. I will  receive my legal document to possess with my first order. In the mean time, I’m heading out now to take a Cannabutter cooking class offered free at the MFTGroup, and I’ve got some learning to do about what Vapes are best. Because as the Doctor explained I will be dosing myself with a SINGLE puff every hour during the day, including at work and a personal hand held vape will be convent and leaves no smell behind for anyone to realize what I am consuming. Also perfect for home! 

Wow! Such a weird, and yet VERY wonderful day I had. 

Twenty-forth Day In A Row

I shocked my husband tonight. I was showing him my new art doodling book, and how I’ve started to stretch my creative abilities. I find it very hard to doodle. Always have. I explained that cannabis can be a creativity booster, so when I get the chance while high I am drawing, or writing. Cuz I find that comes easier too.  Anyway, not to get too far off topic, the point was I surprised my husband, with my answer to his question. He asked if I was currently high, which I wouldn't say I am, but I’m still feeling a bit of a buzz. 'Nope, but I have been every day for the last 24 days in a row.' He hesitated. I saw it. I love that he can't tell when I am high. That means I’m not over doing it. I’m not obvious, and it also means that the kids can’t tell either, if my husband can’t….well. I’m hoping they can’t. 

I’ve been keeping track of each dose since I started back in mid December. I

use my Period Tracker App on my phone. I have been generally keeping track of what form I take it in, and what number dose this is. Not so much my reactions. Which is what I will have to start doing once I get the card and start with my actual medicinal strains. Its recommended that you keep a dairy of the strain you use, the method you used to take your dose, and what side effects they cause. This is good to do so you are aware of your body, and what issue the cannabis strain addresses, and if its more effective by smoking, vaping or ingesting. So, I haven’t been that diligent yet. But I will be. 

So today is day 24 in a row. I have enough cookies to get me well past day 30, which is my current goal. It started off with a walk and a J the first night. The next day was my baking day. I was so gone that day! Ate too much for sure! When I got to the end of the first week of having dosed each evening I realized how easy it was. Knowing that I will be having to dose daily and maybe even multiple times a day once I get my medical prescription I decided to just keep going and see what happens. I have learned how much is too little, and how much is too much. I’ve even dosed myself like I would with Tylenol while I’ve been sick this last week. Four days at home with a bad cold is only fun when you eat pot cookies! I would have between 1/3 and 1/2 a cookie, depending on the size of the cookie, in the morning, then about every 2 or 3 hours again. It kept me functioning and able to get up and do what chores and errands needed doing on those days. I’m still trying to run a household, so I had to get some shit done and the cookies were a great help in letting me do that. 

Have I mentioned yet just how much I LOVE edibles?!!? It just makes taking my herb SO much easier! It also takes care of the question of dosing. I can tell how much I’m taking, reduce the amount easily, or increase it. Plus, ya know, not being a smoker makes smoking a joint still complex for me. I’m sure I’m just wasting a lot of weed. But those cookies tho'! Speaking of joints, I guess that’s what I’m going back to for a while once these cookies are gone….what am I going to do!?? I guess, I’ll have to learn the crockpot method of making the butter myself. 

My doctor appointment is nearly here! This Thursday I get to see the doctor who will hopefully prescribe medical marijuana for me. I feel like I’m about to go for a test. If I don’t pass I’ll be relying on my current friends for help. If I do pass, and get the Permission to Possess licence then I’ll be on my own I guess. Able to order my own without guidance, or assistance. No middle man…..

Speaking of being alone. I do find it a bit odd to be A) the Newbie, and B) one who is not in it for purely recreational reasons. Maybe, given I know a few stories, neither were the people I know into it for purely recreational reasons at first. Getting high every day for the last 24 days has been an interesting experience. Most of the time I’ve been low dosing. Keeping me awake and functioning while home. On the other hand, I have been waking up wanting to just have another cookie. I restrain if I have to go to work and just wait until I get home. But, I can’t wait to get home! Purely medicinal reasons really….but enjoying the benefits for sure! 

I’m sure once I get off the skunk and onto some high quality medical grade stuff there will be a difference. The side effects will be different, and the high will be different. My slight tolerance I’ve been working on will probably go to pot (….ok! Hold the phone! Where is that saying from?!!? and what does it mean?) Thank you Urban Dictionary!

Well, at any rate, I’ll have some news for ya all after Thursdays appointment. Until then I’m keeping happy, and trying to keep healthy. If it doesn't go well I’ll be looking to Sensei pretty soon for some more. I might have to anyway, depending on how quick or how slow the next two steps will be. What’s also weird, is how the idea of going independent feels so forlorn.

Getting High WITH Hubby?!?!

Well! If I thought it was uncomfortable to be high in front of my husband, imagine just how uncomfortable it was for me this past weekend getting high WITH my husband! The answer is VERY uncomfortable! Not because I feel I’m doing something wrong and I don't want him to see me that way, or me to see him that way. It was more because I felt I had lost the only person I could trust to make good judgements while I was high. If I’ve latched onto anything in all my reading it’s the idea of being able to trust who you're with. 

We were away for the weekend. One night turned into two because we were snowed in at the Hotel with highways closed all over the province. We kind of expected it so we were prepared and not stressed about it. We decided to enjoy it. By Sunday afternoon I was ready for a puff.  We decided upon smoking in the car since this posh hotel had surveillance just about everywhere. My husband said he would join me and just have one puff so as not to be as high as me. That was all it took apparently. He agreed later that the stuff of today is stronger then the stuff his brother use to grow in the back of an old truck on the farm. It was fast acting, but didn't last as long as it did for me as I smoked more. 

The first time of many I thought, “this is the worst idea we have ever had” came as we were trying to get out of the car. Snow so deep it was as high as my boots. It was uneven to walk on and made me feel unsteady. Getting in the building I assumed the smell was blasted off us from the strong winds we had to walk against to get back so I wasn’t worried about our scent. The walk to our room was cool. The carpet is

pretty trippy. I loved it. Once back in the room hubby wanted to leave again to go to dinner which started at 5pm, just a half hour ago. But there was NO stinkin’ WAY I was going to trust him to take me to dinner! I didn’t feel capable of being with people yet. My first time with people while high was only two days prior. I certainly didn't trust hubby to be in the presence of others because I didn't know, not could I tell how his puff was effecting him! I figured we were just going to stay in the room the rest of the night, skipping dinner. Hubby would not have it!

After about an hour and a half I felt more calm, and he convinced me we could do it. So down we headed to the Lounge. Would have been great, except there was no room in the Lounge so they put us in the Fine Dinning part of the restaurant! They gave us TWO menus! And this carpet was 3D boxes. I liked it a lot. I think we did ok. No one knew us so how would they know if we were behaving differently than normal? I just chose to use the path of less resistance. Used yes and no as often as was appropriate, and choose the special rather than have to chose between 20 items across two menus. While waiting for our food to arrive we actually had a conversation about time travel as I tried to explain my first high and how I felt like I traveled in time. (See that post here). For the first time, he said, he found the topic of time travel interesting and even a possibility! 

Eating was simply amazing! With heightened senses and the munchies a side effect of cannabis, eating a high quality, expensive meal was one of the best decisions ever! The little appetizer of three types of bread served with oil and vinegar was delightful. Our dinner of Pot Roast, Yorkshire Pudding, Garlic Mashed and side of veggies was excellent and the best meal ever eaten. But the surprise, and most physically engaging part of the meal came in the form of a half shell. I have never liked the idea of eating raw oyster on the half shell before. But this night my fears were suspended and I just said yes when asked if we would like “yadda, yadda, oyster on the half Shell tonight”. I totally missed the name, but I think it was Caesar Oyster in the Half Shell. 

I picked it up, made sure it was loose enough to slip off the shell and tipped my head back as I let it slide into my mouth and swallowed. It was sweet, and salty, with a hint of tomato. Absolutely stunned at how good it was I didn’t know how to react at first, until I covered my mouth and started to laugh, nearly crying from shear pleasure. Now THAT was a great experience! 

Hubby said that by the time dessert came he was pretty much clear headed. It took me another hour or so before I was. But I was no longer concerned about being in public. We had pulled it off and managed to enjoy every second of the experience. I am glad this is a one time thing for hubby. He’s more concerned with at least one parent being available for the kids than anything else. So, with us away and the kids at home it was his only chance. It might be a year or more  before he gets the opportunity again. 

Aside from the paranoia it produced in me I think the night went pretty well. 

Dear Sensei

I use to work with my Sensei. Which was awesome cuz Sensei is a great person and often brought fun to an otherwise very busy and often exhausting work environment. But talking about anything important at work was near impossible. For this reason most of my conversations with Sensei were restricted to short bursts on a deep topic during a short break. 

 I allowed Sensei to introduce me to the magical herb. (I practically begged, actually). I felt a strong loyalty to Sensei because of their willingness to help me. I was surprised with the level of grace I received over my near panic most of the time. But no big deal was made about it. Sensei listened and encouraged, and helped. End of topic. 

 That is one of the reasons our friendship is still so very important to me. It goes beyond and before the whole Cannabis connection. I could not express to anyone just how much Sensei’s friendship still means to me. I've had trouble understanding it myself. I've fretted over it even, because I'm too much. I can easily overwhelm a person. I mean look! I'm writing a blog about my internal struggle over this friendship. Does anyone else do that!? 

It is a friendship that grew on the meeting of mind and spirit. Out of the desire to improve, grow and seek out truth. Still, when something happens I want to turn around and text Sensei all about it. I still hold back a lot, I used to feel guilty about it. Like it was wrong to want to communicate with this person, but I've recently come to realize that having a good friend with whom I feel comfortable communicating about anything is a gift. I am allowed to allow myself the enjoyment of, the luxury of a good friend, am I not? 

(What a sad, lonely and messed up life I've lived to think of friendship as a luxury!)

Really, from the first day I met this person I felt a connection to them. I didn’t understand why. Of course back then I was stupid enough to think it was because I was going to eventually convince them of their need for the God of the Bible. In the end Sensei became my saviour instead. Or to use an apparently very overused term, my Wonder-wall. Sensei was the one who was bold enough and gracious enough to be open to listen to me without judgement, go deep with me, inspire me and challenge me. Making me want to be a better person. Gifting me with a rare opportunity to learn what a good friend is. What friendship can look like. Gifting me with the experience that I can contribute to a conversation, or relationship without the experience of being rejected. Communication was easy with Sensei.
The time and effort was taken, and it made me feel valued. 

 So, to Sensei:

I miss you. I miss our deep but sporatic conversations. I've missed the friendship we had, and realize it was me who pulled away. Because I didn't understand, that I am allowed to have good, healthy friendships. I didn't know that I didn't think I was good enough to have that. 

Even though our paths are no longer traveling in the same general trajectory any more, I'm not wanting our friendship to fade. I'm not willing to let that happen. Every time something happens I want to turn around and tell you about it (I still resist a lot). Because you are a rare breed. You listen. Your interest and care for me, as just another human being is genuine. Somehow along the path of your life you have managed to loose much of ego. It is attractive, and it is inspiring! And I need more people in my life who inspire me like you do. 

Frankly, I'm sure this friendship is more one sided than I'd be proud to admit. I think I get way more out of our friendship then I can possibly give back. Sincerely, thank you for that.

So, FYI, I'm keeping you. 

J

Revelations from Day 5

So, just a side note to begin…..my unnamed friend who has introduced me to this wonderful herb, supplied me with my first few buds, and has now sold me my first purchased buds, will now and forever be referred to as Sensei. 

sensei: Noun. Japanese for "teacher". Can be used as a suffix in names, and can be used for anyone who is knowledgeable or high in a profession…

Haha! High in a profession!

It kind of came out as a joke actually. I had mentioned to my husband how my friend has advise me to NOT try edibles yet. I’m too new and the effect is a much stronger high, a body high, that I would not be ready for. So hubby makes the statement, “what Sensei says, you need to listen to”. That was it, I decided it’s sticking. Really it just makes life easier when blogging to refer to a person with a moniker of some sort cuz I don’t even want to give away if Sensei is male or female!

I was telling Sensei about my fifth high last week. It had been a week since my last and I was feeling a bit desperate to get out and have a smoke simply because I was noticing how unhappy I was feeling in general. It was time for another dose. 

Sensei laughed at me…I was so intent on getting out to the barn and getting that medicine into me that I literally forgot I was going to get high from it!  I don’t even know! No idea why I forgot about that at all. I got hit suddenly, unexpectedly with that swimmy headed feeling and it dawned on my then, “oh, right! I’m getting high!” 

Perhaps it was my terminology that through me. I kept thinking I needed to get out for a smoke….So Smoking doesn’t get you high. Maybe that’s why I forgot I would get high. At any rate I enjoyed this High by sending a flirty text to Sensei….SO embarrassing! Used the Joey line. Apologized two hours later…Sensei had “high texted’ people before….Great Grace is shown me by this person, I must say! 

Now, that faux pas would have torn at me for hours, and even days, feeling guilty and stupid and embarrassed. I have none of that gunk now! I am done with self loathing and dwelling on my mistakes. If Sensei can show me grace and kindness in the face of some pretty stupid stuff I’ve said or done then I can show myself the same courtesy. We all make mistakes. We all are just blundering about in this life, for the most part, with such unattainable standards in front of us that we forget half the stuff we do is often trial and error, with a few successes thrown in to keep us motivated to keep trying. Well. That’s my perspective now anyway. So life in general feels much less difficult and happy is easier to achieve, and keep. I’m not sure if I dropped the unattainable standard, or gained more grace towards myself….probably both.

Next day I felt like baking! And bake I did! Banana Bread, and Snickerdoodles. You U.S. readers will know what those are! Love them!

Two days after my 5th dose I was still as happy as a lark! In fact, I had tears come to my eyes just thinking how much happier I have been lately! I sent this text, “omg Sensei! How did I live before this!!!!???? I want to cry I'm so happy now.”

I’m sure people who have no knowledge of how this herb works will think my happiness is contrived, or falsely brought on and only there because of the residual effects of the high. The answer to that is yes, and no. Yes it is caused by taking in the THC and CBD from smoking the herb. But it is not a false happy. It is true the happy doesn't last in me forever after one dose, but nor does it only last while high. Just like some Pharmaceuticals are designed to alter brain chemistry, with the desired result being to end depressive thoughts and tendencies, so does the THC and CBD do the same thing. Just like typical prescribed drugs that must be taken daily to keep the change consistent and to be helpful, so the herb must be taken at least 2 times a week for me, to keep my state of mind consistent. So far it’s working beautifully for me! 

Come to think of it, I can’t really say I’m “happy” while high. I think I feel more inconvenienced by the high than anything else. I like the result, I wish it didn’t take up so much of my time before I can go out and function after a dose. Though I don't hate the high either…I’m learning and exploring so much about who I am in the process. Still, if I could choose, I’d rather not be high every time.

Now, on the topic of exploring and the benefits of my new activity, sex with my husband while high is better than anything else I have enjoyed! Ever!! Everything just happens so much easier….and more often! A “happy” wife means a lucky husband in this house! So my husband is happy to see me head out to the barn every few days now. 

Sex With A Song!??

Monday the 29th of December the kids all left to do some after christmas shopping. 

I headed to the barn for a puff around 6pm. Tonight it had dawned on me I could go in there to partake of my second rolled joint. With the lights off. Our barn is big. It holds a lot of junk. Some of the stuff is ours, some of it from others. I took a candle for light, but I figured it would be easier to use then the lighter to relight the joint if it goes out often again. Worked beautifully! Took the ashtray cup. I set up a patio chair beside a dead dehumidifier and Voila! A safe place away from prying eyes, nosey neighbours and the smell is contained. I’m sheltered from the weather as well. We shall see how long it lasts!

Still coughing, I managed to smoke 3/4 of this second joint I had rolled a couple days ahead of time to be prepared for just such a time as this. Blowing out the candle to leave added a new dimension to my return trip out the door to venture back to the house. Sudden blackness. My phone became my saving grace because I was afraid to move!

It’s been long enough now since that night that I don’t remember how I got back in the house or what I did before getting into bed. Time distorted again. I was ridiculously cold again! 

I texted my friend who was apparently online…No answer. Again my friend was missing my high. I so wanted to test out how I was able to communicate while high, but it wasn’t going to happen this night. 

What I did do was decide to enjoy some music this time. Not much else I could do laying there freezing in bed anyway. I had just the song I wanted to watch the video of. I had actually planned to watch this for my first time, but that played out differently. Find the link here to the song. Maybe you will want to enjoy it while high as well. It’s a seven and a half minute long song. I thought it was trippy when not high! So bundled up under the covers again, I watched it on my phone. 

Somewhere half way through the song I was no longer enjoying the visuals and sound sensation. But the song was enjoying me! The song ends with a prolonged mid frequency note which I “woke up” to, realizing I had just somehow, unbelievably, had sex with this song! 

I recall wondering how these artists knew, planned their video and music so perfectly to produce a visual and auditory encounter like that. It felt like it was created that way on purpose. I’m a little embarrassed to say that song pretty much set the mood for the rest of the night. Couldn’t help it. I did try to pull myself out of that direction a couple times, but finally just gave in to its overwhelming power. Three hours later…..I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep! 

Because I was a little more cognizant now I thought I was coming down…nothing could have been further from the truth!  In hind sight, I definitely smoked too much again. I messaged my friend around 4 am. Judging from the text I was still high. I was over sharing. 

Two things happened. 

First, the only thing I had read about that made me nervous was weed could increase sexual appetite. O.K., nervous and intrigued. Having been on anti-depressants in the past for a few years I had a similar experience. It took six weeks for the medication to actually have an effect, and when it literally kicked in I was insatiable! For exactly one week. It was a good week mind you. There were days I’d call my husband at work and ask if he could come home for lunch. That never happened before, or again. This night totally put that week to shame. And for days after a simple memory had me in a state of trying to control myself. 

The second thing that happened; I went to work high the next morning. Not a great idea. I didn't realize I was still high until I was actually at work and needing to interact with people. At home getting ready, it had been quiet and I was alone since everyone else in the house was still asleep. At work I was overwhelmed and lacked judgement, I could tell. I definitely made some bad decisions that day. Even got a co-worker of mine rather mad at me. I’m VERY thankful that person is very easy going and forgiving, and is still talking to me a week later! I didn’t come off this extended buzz until around 2pm. Of course, by then I was just so upset with myself for hurting my friend that I was having a hard time functioning well at work for a new reason. 

Benefits! Still seeing them. 

A sex drive like I’ve never had. This is both wonderful for my marriage and occasionally troublesome. I just need to learn to focus my mind. That helps.

I’m happy. Did I say that before? I did. I will have to find a new benefit for next blog, but for now this one will have to be recycled. I have everything I need in life, and could want really. Why it was so hard to be happy before seems ridiculous now that I am happy.  It proves, for me anyway, that happy is not circumstantial at all. There was and is nothing I can do to make myself happy out of shear will power. Reminding myself of all the good things I have just made me feel worse that I couldn't be happy because of them. 

I don’t need to constantly remind myself of those things now. I just enjoy them. I function in them. I smile because of them. I don’t want to change them. And on a related note, I was wanting to quit my job for about a year now, but couldn’t bring myself to. I think I was depressed, making the idea of a change the only thing that made sense. Now I have no desire to quit. I’m happy with my life, that includes my job. In fact it fits me well and I’m good at it. 

The Underwhelming Night - My second Puff

I really feel like I’m going to forget this second high if I don't write it down…It was not as intense it’s true, but the first and the third were SO intense it is causing my second high to fade in my memory. There are two reasons I’m writing this stuff down here; one is to help me process what is happening.The second reason is to document the benefits, so I don’t forget and don't lose the purpose in what I’m doing. I’m not doing this to get lost in the haze.

Day two….or opportunity number two, really. Four days after the first and only two days before christmas. I came home from work to find no one home and no one expected for at least an hour as the family were christmas shopping. This was stupid move number two! It was still day light out, and not wanting to miss this rare opportunity but not wanting to venture outside and risk actually being seen I lit the last quarter of the first joint in the house…..yes….I really did. 

I hear it now….”dufas”!  

Yup. I’ll admit it. That I am.

I threw the window in my bedroom open and tried to keep the smoke going out, but I think it just blew it all back in. The left over joint wasn't a huge amount that I could accidentally over do it this time. It was just enough to give me that swimmy head feeling and then the thing was done. I was still in my work clothes I was in such a rush to do this thing. I tossed the filter into the toilet not wanting anything to remain and had a shower before laying down. Though I was kind of in a hurry to have my second joint, and to lay down in my room before the family got home, I also made a conscious effort to thoroughly enjoy a warm shower. The nervousness of the kids being able to smell it when they got home nagged at me though. So the enjoyment of relaxing was a bit hampered. 

My husband came home and announced through the door that he could smell it.  I sprayed lysol around the house but it didn’t get rid of the smell. This was not a good option. I’d have to tweak my protocol. I found as long as the bedroom door was closed it was not noticed in the rest of the house. Thankfully.

I laid down and don't really remember much of the next few hours. Except that I was relaxed, and that the time distortion was not as intense as the first time. For that I am thankful. I didn’t sleep this time though. It was just a nice relaxing high, in which I got very cold again. I hate this side effect! I hate being cold! 

This high did not last as long. I was only about two hours by myself in bed, and then I got up and snacked in the kitchen talking to my husband. Dinner was well over by the time I got up, so I ventured into crappy snack food that is not usually found in my house, except that it is at christmas. Food underwhelmed me. I made a mental note to stock better food for my next experience. Drink didn't impress me either. Hmm, munchies not so fun for me apparently. Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

I had purposely been avoiding wine ever since my first experience. I noticed two days after my first high that I was more sensitive to acquiring a wine buzz. That’s new. Usually I can drink two full glasses and not feel a thing ,except that I sleep better. But now I feel that swishy feeling in my head half way through the first glass. Ok, cool….so now I’m very nervous to drink any wine at all in the evening, unless there is absolutely no chance for me to go out and have a puff, like on an evening before work….but that’s the next storey.

Benefits I’m seeing:  A definite increase in sexual interest. This is a huge benefit! I would never have admitted it before, but I really wasn’t into sex at all. It’s not that I didn’t like it. It just seemed like so much work. I thought something was wrong with me and never had the nerve to talk about it to anyone! Not even my husband. Too much embarrassment attached to sex in general to ever consider bringing it up. I guess I did have something wrong with me. I just didn’t have a sex drive at all. I've got one now though! 

A second benefit is, I’m happy. Not just relaxed and happy when I’m high, but generally happy. I bounce around at work, humming, singing and dancing while I go about the work day. I have nothing to complain about. Stupid stuff I do rolls off my back, where I would have obsessed about how stupid I was or looked to someone else for hours. The fact that I can post here about my lack of and new found sex drive is a big deal! Could NOT talk about those kinds of things before. Before fear of what others thought of me suffocated me. I lived out of the fear of what someone might think, or say about me. Now? Not so worried at all. There is SUCH freedom in that! 

Attached to this second benefit is the fact that all this is happening in much less time then it took those blasted anti-depressants to kick in. The only time I took those, it took six weeks before I saw any benefit at all. Those increased my sexual desire too, but only for the first week after the kick in. Then I lost interest again. 

I guess the third benefit so far is more open communication with my husband. This was first forced upon me by my “safe” friend. The idea of helping me into the world of weed was not really welcomed until my husband was in the know. I can respect a person with such integrity! When I finally did bring it up to my husband that’s when the ball started to get rolling. With only two people in my life who actually knew what I was about to embark on, it made for a very small group of people with whom to communicate. If I have something I want to share, my husband it pretty much the goto person, my “safe friend” a close second.

So, although I'd say my execution of high #2 was far from perfect again! I'd have to say the benefits are making up for my newbie-isms. 

My first Time

So like I said before, maybe my first time was a bad trip, but I just don't know any better yet. Maybe its what others strive for, or perhaps it’s exactly what it was suppose to be. At any rate, I have learned that each experience so far is different from the last. I’m still learning.

So that first night. I was complaining to my friend on Messenger how I was frustrated I had no opportunities to have my first smoke. Bluntly, I was told to just go do it after the kids were in bed and then lay down myself. I looked around and noticed my husband sleeping, my youngest sleeping and my other two kids out and not expected back for hours. This WAS my chance! I downed the last of my glass of wine and headed to my room, closed the door and pulled everything out again. 

My first try….      

…..I was proud of myself!

Now to sneak outside and attempt to smoke it without anyone noticing me, a non-smoker smoking, or the smell! 

It was freezing out, but I sat on the dark steps anyway and lit it. It was not the easiest thing to do, that’s for sure, but I thought I could manage somewhat given that I have used puffers before. 

It’s definitely different than puffers! 

It kept going out after every two pulls on it. I’d have to relit it and tried to keep it going. Then, when I was about half way through the joint someone stepped out of their door onto the deck across the road from me for a smoke…I held my breath, tamped out the glowing ember at the end of the joint, and stifled every cough that tried to force its way out of my lungs! At this point, even though the joint was half gone I wasn’t feeling anything. I figured it was because I wasn’t inhaling well yet (I think I was wrong in hind sight). A couple real good inhales with lots of coughing told me I had taken in some actual smoke…and the head began to feel light and dizzy…I decided to go in….then decided to go back out again and finish the damn thing cuz I didn’t know what to do with only 1/4 of it left! 

Aaaaaand my judgement was fully impaired!

I stepped out again, tried to light it again when a taxi pulled up the driveway with my daughter inside….I ran in the house! Stood dumbfounded about what to do, because I was suppose to pay the taxi driver….THAT was NOT going to happen! I basically made straight for my room. And much to my surprise my daughter followed close behind, wanting to tell me about her night. I know I was not acting normal, but couldn't help it. I think I was trying to blow the smell out of my lungs when she wasn’t looking…oh dear! I just needed her to leave and be alone! I pretty much pushed her out of my room and told her I was going to bed.

Free at last, I turned the lights off and climbed into bed more lightheaded then I have ever been. Sense of balance was off, and time was warping. Getting my coat off took lots of work, and happened in an instant, but each move took forever. I distinctly remember thinking about how I would never imagine myself here, doing this when I was in high school, and suddenly I WAS in high school looking forward at me, looking back at me. Then I was sucked back to the present. I was amazed at the intensity of the time dilations I was moving through. And this was me still standing beside my bed, I hadn't even laid down yet. I opted not to change into my Pj’s for fear of falling over, plus time didn't feel on my side with moving. So I just climbed into bed. What I didn’t know until the next day was my bottom was wet from sitting out on the steps. I was frozen all night! (Turns out, all three times now, I freeze. So, it’s just a thing I guess).

So just after midnight I tried to text my friend to say I did it, I had actually smoked my first joint…of course texting when you're in a time warp, and freezing, and can barely move is rather difficult! Plus I was seeing the words on the screen both backwards and forwards all at the same time. It made finding the correct letters to type rather difficult.This is all I got out before my arms were too heavy to hold them up any longer..

I'm forcing myself to text you

I. Oh. Ah. Ha!

Bit scary really

It was scary! What was scary was I didn’t know how long it would last. Would it get more intense, and would I be able to handle the intense multi-sensory overload I was experiencing? The best thing I did before trying cannabis was to watch youtube videos about it. Nothing can really prepare you for your first high, but the one thing I did learn and was what I clung to during this overwhelming few hours, was I was not going to die, and the worst thing you could do was freak out and go to the hospital. So, when I was really overwhelmed, I just reminded myself I was not going to die, I would be ok. 

So for an unknown length of time I lay under my blankets, head covered to keep any heat I might have, in, and swirled through thoughts, and memories. What I didn’t see was colours, or visual stimuli. But it was dark, and my eyes were closed most of the time, I think…

Then suddenly I was wide awake and more aware and had more control of my thoughts and actions. It was 3am! I texted again.

.........

HO-LY-COW!!!!!!

My friend thought I was hilarious when that was read the next morning. But really! how do you put into words what was just experienced!? 

I remember my husband coming to bed and saying something that I found hilarious. I laughed harder then I ever have, but suddenly had no idea what I had found funny. I remember that when I was outside starting to smoke, when I first felt a slight buzz I wanted to smoke more because I was afraid the effect would wear off too soon, and I wanted to experience the full thing. 

My biggest concern was that the buzz lasted SO long! Thankfully I wasn’t working the next day, because the slight buzz was still evident until about 3 in the afternoon. I didn’t drive that day, but did go out christmas shopping. Milk seemed to kill the buzz within a half hour of drinking it. 

I was told, under no circumstances should I have drunk alcohol first. Liquor and then weed is not a good combination ever. I was told that the next morning, which was too late. My judgement was off from the start. I also smoked too much my first time. This was why I wanted a safe place/safe person. All the parameters would have been set for me walking in. So, it didn’t go as planned, but it did finally happen. And I didn’t hate it. As my friend pointed out, now that I had THC in my brain the next time would be different as it accumulates. The goal though, don’t forget….isn’t all about getting high. This is about helping reduce depression and any other helpful positives it might bring.

Benefits so far? Less stress, and a heightened desire for sex. THAT’s new!