Follow Up to My Cannabis Break

It was three weeks ago that I told you all I was taking a break from Cannabis. I think I've processed that week long enough. Time to tell you what happened.

I started this blog as a way to process the changes that I have been going through since starting Cannabis as my medicine. The desire to educate people grew the more I learned and realized how little actual truth about this herb is out there. 

I have to state, the changes that sometimes occur are not always medical, or physical. In my case I was very religious my whole adult life. Like, the kind of Christian who wouldn't let my kids watch Disney movies cuz they were full of witchcraft, or magic. I was THAT kind. I shutter, and have much regret for who I was back then. But I try to let the voice of wisdom speak louder and remind me that I only did the best I could with the knowledge I had back then. My best just happens to be better today then my best back then...that's all. (ok...it's not always better...I'm still a work in process.)

My last intake of cannabis in any form was a Friday night. I was off fully until Tuesday evening when I started to ingest it so I could sleep. I didn't start back to my day use, vaping and/or smoking until Saturday night a week later. It has taken these last two weeks to re-acclaimate and mentally/emotionally process all that has gone on internally.

I had a VERY bad first weekend. My biggest physical issue was restless legs, preventing me from sleeping. They hadn't actually start bothering me until day 2. But you can only go for so long without sleeping well. My other physical issues, pain, were easily dealt with by using Tylenol and Aleve. (These are the two drugs I've been on for years and the reason I started Cannabis in the first place was to get off them so as not to over stress my kidneys any further). My mental issues were mostly due to the ridiculous amount of stress I was under for a prolonger period of time. Years. And a big contributing factor was/is my ever present self doubt; doubting my judgment and well...everything. Much of this self doubt comes from the shame associated with my previous religiosity. (Not that church caused it, but rather for me it fed an already established shame and made it grow.)

A small example of how bad I was at the beginning of this pursuit; by the middle of the afternoon on the first Saturday I was literally packing all my cannabis related things into a box and hiding it all in my closet. Bongs, lighters, weed, printed material about cannabis, and my colouring page from #myTHCbox also went. I couldn't stand the sight of any of it so I cleared it out of sight completely. I was at the point of hating that I had ever started it. I deleted groups, and unfollower Cannabis community Facebook pages. I just couldn't have been more hateful towards cannabis.

By Tuesday afternoon I had pulled out a little weed to roll a joint and I start back eating my AVB with ice cream at bed time just so I could sleep. But I had still decided I'd not ever go back to using Cannabis as much as I had been. I could deal with the physical pain by using pharma products and I was willing to take the risk of damaging my kidneys. I got over that by the next Saturday.

My last day off weed was horrid. I was unable to think a positive thought. But by dinner I realized I was on a bad thought track and knew the only way to combat it was to grab my cannabis and get couch-locked! It worked too. Stress left. I calmed the fuck down and realized the sky was not falling. Next day I had the best Sunday a person could have.

And as I processed that weedless week I know that my emotional instability was not and is not caused by my Cannabis use. I really was under a crap load of situations. Most of which have now been resolved, thankfully! It just took a ridiculous amount of time. A couple issues remain, but I'm working on those with Mindfulness practices I learned in classes given by a medical Doctor here in the city; learning some new (and badly needed) coping skills, gaining insight into the causes of stress, and seeing a counsellor. I've spoken with both the M.D. and the counsellor about my shame issues that were fed and grew to huge proportions under the guise of a loving God and both have applauded me for getting out of something that caused me to feel so much shame. Unfortunately that doesn't remove some of the wrong beliefs I still have. That might take years to do in some cases. Some of those shame issues are what had me second guessing my original choice to start cannabis. So while I was six feet under all these major stressors recently those very shame issues were raising an even stronger opposition. But my week off helped clear up and remove the lack of trust I had in myself, at least regarding the issue of Cannabis as medicine!

What this whole week taught me:

The whole reason I took a weedless week was to see if cannabis was causing or creating more stress and drama in my life. I went through a strange week, denying its effectiveness first, accepting its medical use in one area of my life, and then embracing it fully again.

I've learned that Cannabis was not causing me to stress out, life was. Cannabis helps me realize what is no big deal so I can focus on what is.
I know that popping a low dose canna-cap of a Sativa/CBD mix allows me to chase the blues away. I don't feel any cerebral effects but I don't get dragged down by the time I've finished my first cup of coffee either, which can happen if I don't medicate effectively.
I know that I need to get more serious about keeping connected to the larger medical cannabis community. Not that there is anything wrong with the few people I've started to get to know, I just know they don't have all the answers either. Some of them are just as new (or newer) than me. But there is a world full of life-long medical cannabis patients who have a wealth of information that I want to learn from.

I know that I don't know enough about how to medicate properly for pain. I am still medicating with big pharma for pain and inflammation. I want and need to know more.
I'm also allowing myself some grace. My original pain issue was better for six months. I had more mobility and less restrictions due to pain since starting cannabis back December 2014. My new injury occurred mid August. It was intense! I was SO disappointed by the set back! So now, rather than being disappointed that I had to go back on big pharma drugs after I had only just gotten off of them I am learning to be ok with what is right now. Unfortunately I also badly sprained my ankle two weeks ago so I again had to increase my dose of pharma to the max while this newest injury heals. But giving myself a break (or grace) is exactly what I need to learn here, so I'm learning.

Although this may not have been the best way to do it, I do believe this break was a success. I've learned more about me, and what works for me because of it. And as a side note, three weeks out I have felt an internal shift recently that I'm hoping is permanent. It's a healthier perspective with less self doubt. If I went through a hellish week just for that it was well worth it!

Why I'm Taking A Break From Cannabis

I'm going to be honest with you. I'm really struggling right now. 

And since this blog is about first year or newbie issues I think it's fair topic to discuss here.  

I was introduced to Cannabis through a friend. After nearly a year of reading and watching docs I decided go for it. I found it removed the pain in my knees making me quicker at work, stopped my restless legs at night, allowed me to sleep an entire eight hours, and it took care of the negative nancy in my head. I was happy for the first time in my life. I danced about the house, my work was more fun and I stopped looking for another job. 

That lasted for about six months. Then I sustained a work place injury. Rotator Cuff, repetitive movement injury. That was August 2015. I've never been the same since. 

Once I was cold, stable, and analytical (and easily angered). After Cannabis I was a happy, hopeful person. Now I'm an emotional basket case. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm more insecure than ever, and my trust meter is even lower than it use to be. 

Granted, these changes didn't come without cause! My Physiotherapist explained that the physical pain center of the brain is exactly the same as the emotional pain center. That's one of the reasons a person can have physical pain but no physical symptoms. It really is all in our heads. But it's real emotional pain. Just manifesting physically. That's part of the explanation for me, never having dealt with root issues.  

As a "doer" my shoulder injury reduced me to near helpless. Off work and lots of time on my hands I couldn't clean my house, wash or put away my dishes, fold laundry, chop food or stir a pot to make dinner. Asking for help was exhausting. And embarrassing. And frustrating. I'd have to ask my husband or kids for help and then wait for the help that didn't always come. So I'd have to ask more than once, daily. 

The rest of life is one big ball of stress. Workers Comp refused my claim (yes I'm fighting it- it's a very long process with very little information. Finally got good news last month, the WCB Advocate is finally on my case!) Meanwhile I've been on EI. Until someone through Service Canada suggested I apply for a program to cover me while I was away for a month in another Province to care for my youngest (14) during her surgeries. I couldn't justify saying I could work and look for a job while I very well couldn't! So I lost EI and have been trying to get it back now for months. It has devastated us financially. I have received no money for the last 4 months. And that's not all of it, but I'll spare you the other long details. It's been stressful, exhausting and defeating to say the least. 

This is carrying over into my attitude toward cannabis. I'm starting to doubt that this was a good idea. I've been so overwhelmed by everything that I'm not handling simple things well anymore. I'm suspecting that cannabis is making me emotionally unstable. Or at least making my emotional instability worse.

So today I'm not going to have any cannabis at all. At this point I'm not sure how long I'll avoid it but the whole weekend is my starting point. 

With the absence of a really strong support group I don't have a trusted person to bounce my questions or concerns off of. No one to remind me of why I started this journey. Maybe that's my own fault. Being too afraid of being misunderstood or of judgement to open my mouth and communicate.

Real or imaginary I already feel judgment and disapproval from my kids. So I'd rather take this time off to decide if this really is helping me, or not! 

If Cannabis really is medicinal then I should be brave enough to admit if it's not working for me. Maybe it was before but now it's not. Maybe it will again eventually. Maybe it is working well and I'm just too overwhelmed by everything else to be able to tell. Maybe I'm just out of sorts because I was not able to find an appropriate strain to match my symptoms while I have had no money all this time. It could be any one of those reasons. It's worth testing to find out. So just like testing different strains and methods of intake to see what effects are felt I'm kind of doing the opposite. Finding out what I feel or find when not on it at all. 

 As far as my pain goes I can resort to Tylenol and Alieve like I use to. They took care of my pain just fine before. Maybe I can still avoid damaging my kidneys or liver by insuring I eat and drink healthier. More water to flush me out, less coffee and sugary drinks that bog my systems down. Cuz repair of my knees isn't expected for 15 yrs or more. 

And as far as depression goes I'm at the point were I'd rather feel nothing again. I'd rather not worry that my kids (or anyone else for that matter) is thinking I'm unstable. I'm so overwhelmingly embarrassed that I'm so emotionally unstable. It seems like the worse I feel the worse my decision making is. So I'm going to test that out too.  

If I had to theorize what my results will be, I'm suspecting my emotional instability is not related to my cannabis use. It might be exacerbated by it though. So I need to find that out because I'll doubt myself until I rule it out. 

I also suspect I might just be better off medicating with topicals to reduce pain and inflammation. Especially if the cannabis is heightening my emotions while in these highly stressful situations. 

That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm writing about it. To be accountable and honest with all of you is of upmost importance to me. Cuz if I can't be bold enough to say it's not working then I feel I'm doing dishonour to the very fact that we claim cannabis to be medicine. If big pharma drugs don't work we tell our doctor and we (or they) make changes. I don't want to be stubborn because I want it to work. Or just because it's cannabis. If I'm bold enough to say, 'hey, maybe this isn't working for me right now then that gives others permission to do the same. 

So, we shall see how this goes. I might be all for this until my legs start twitching in bed tonight and I can't sleep. Or I'll just learn how to deal with lack of sleep again like I use to. It's not like I've never done that before.

A very Quick shout out to MaryLovesGlass for sharing my blog a couple times on Facebook over the last week. My views have increased significantly. I wish I could force myself to feel happy about it. I'm certainly thankful for the encouragement! I've felt more frustrated by my blog over the last month than ever, to the point where I've removed some posts because I've not had the confidence to keep them online. And I've posted and since removed youtube videos too.

So don't take MaryLovesGlass's saying at the end of her videos, "Smile at someone today" as just a nice tag line. It is important to smile at or even encourage someone everyday. It might be the only smile or encouragement that person gets all day, or week! You never know what's really going on in the background of their life, and one smile could help make the difference in turning their perspective a little more positive. 

Here is my favourite Quote from Doctor Who's best episode. Vincent and The Doctor.

  Check out my follow up post on what I gleaned from my week off Here!

Dear Sensei

I use to work with my Sensei. Which was awesome cuz Sensei is a great person and often brought fun to an otherwise very busy and often exhausting work environment. But talking about anything important at work was near impossible. For this reason most of my conversations with Sensei were restricted to short bursts on a deep topic during a short break. 

 I allowed Sensei to introduce me to the magical herb. (I practically begged, actually). I felt a strong loyalty to Sensei because of their willingness to help me. I was surprised with the level of grace I received over my near panic most of the time. But no big deal was made about it. Sensei listened and encouraged, and helped. End of topic. 

 That is one of the reasons our friendship is still so very important to me. It goes beyond and before the whole Cannabis connection. I could not express to anyone just how much Sensei’s friendship still means to me. I've had trouble understanding it myself. I've fretted over it even, because I'm too much. I can easily overwhelm a person. I mean look! I'm writing a blog about my internal struggle over this friendship. Does anyone else do that!? 

It is a friendship that grew on the meeting of mind and spirit. Out of the desire to improve, grow and seek out truth. Still, when something happens I want to turn around and text Sensei all about it. I still hold back a lot, I used to feel guilty about it. Like it was wrong to want to communicate with this person, but I've recently come to realize that having a good friend with whom I feel comfortable communicating about anything is a gift. I am allowed to allow myself the enjoyment of, the luxury of a good friend, am I not? 

(What a sad, lonely and messed up life I've lived to think of friendship as a luxury!)

Really, from the first day I met this person I felt a connection to them. I didn’t understand why. Of course back then I was stupid enough to think it was because I was going to eventually convince them of their need for the God of the Bible. In the end Sensei became my saviour instead. Or to use an apparently very overused term, my Wonder-wall. Sensei was the one who was bold enough and gracious enough to be open to listen to me without judgement, go deep with me, inspire me and challenge me. Making me want to be a better person. Gifting me with a rare opportunity to learn what a good friend is. What friendship can look like. Gifting me with the experience that I can contribute to a conversation, or relationship without the experience of being rejected. Communication was easy with Sensei.
The time and effort was taken, and it made me feel valued. 

 So, to Sensei:

I miss you. I miss our deep but sporatic conversations. I've missed the friendship we had, and realize it was me who pulled away. Because I didn't understand, that I am allowed to have good, healthy friendships. I didn't know that I didn't think I was good enough to have that. 

Even though our paths are no longer traveling in the same general trajectory any more, I'm not wanting our friendship to fade. I'm not willing to let that happen. Every time something happens I want to turn around and tell you about it (I still resist a lot). Because you are a rare breed. You listen. Your interest and care for me, as just another human being is genuine. Somehow along the path of your life you have managed to loose much of ego. It is attractive, and it is inspiring! And I need more people in my life who inspire me like you do. 

Frankly, I'm sure this friendship is more one sided than I'd be proud to admit. I think I get way more out of our friendship then I can possibly give back. Sincerely, thank you for that.

So, FYI, I'm keeping you. 

J

Hippy Crack Cookies

So my first experience with edibles has finally happened and I couldn’t be happier with the result!

A quick explanation as to how I managed to get my first cookies.

I have a friend who I haven’t seen in quite some time. About a month before Christmas I told her I was looking at trying Cannabis for the first time. Two weeks ago I sent her a quick private message on Facebook to say I’ve been enjoying my new found appreciation for this herb and sent her the link to this blog. A coffee date was quickly made after that. Forward to my coffee date earlier this week. As my friend came to our table with her coffee she surprised me by pulling a bag of four peanut butter cookies out of her purse and gave them to me in honour or my new found extra curricular activity. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was so excited! At least twice during our 3 hour coffee date I stopped talking, grinned and said, “Eeeee! I have cookies!” 

The cookies, I was told, were made using that crystal that my catcher is for on my grinder. Also known as Hippy Crack. (A new term!) She explained that the flavour of the peanut butter tends to hide the pungent flavour of the weed a bit better than others. Oh, I wish I had thought to take a picture of them, for posterity. They didn’t look any different then regular peanut butter cookies, but they smelled different! 

First thing I did when I left was head straight to Sensei! Upon seeing me I was asked how my coffee date went. I’m pretty sure I was grinning from ear to ear. I opened my purse and simply said, “THIS good!” to expose my cookies. I did offer to share, and gave Sensei two. I almost regret that now. But not completely. Because Sensei is my guide of sorts on this journey. My helper so I don’t do everything wrong, go too fast, or go over board. I’m very glad that I have a person who is willing to support me in this way. I’ve already made my share of mistakes in spite of Sensei’s guidance, which made it all the more important for me to listen this time when it came to trying my first edible. So Sensei tried them first and gave me the go ahead to have both cookies at once, instead of the half I would have tried without the guidance, which would have lead to an uneventful and disappointing experience I'm sure. 

All stupidly scientific like I decided to take notes of the experience. I’m such a nerd, I know. But don’t worry that mood didn’t last long.

One things for sure. I was VERY glad to have cookies to partake of because there was no frackin’ way I wanted to go outside in a blizzard for a puff of my last joint. Given my desire to have at least two evenings a week when I can have a puff I would not have been a happy camper if I couldn't get my midweek dose last night. 

8:19pm the cookies were both eaten and digesting. I read articles on Facebook and watched Veronica Mars.

By 9:14pm I was feeling a slight buzz in my head but nothing noticeable that would speak “Body High” to me. 

9:29pm Heart rate increased, and at times it seemed to pound. I was able to have a normal but short exchange of words with my older daughter who was in the room with me, though I don’t remember what it was about now. Shortly after 9:40pm I was leaning back on the couch and listening to Yaybahar on Youtube. I must have replayed that 7 minute video about 8 times. Simply hypnotic and relaxing! Except, I think there were certain parts of the music that actually made my heart race more. I didn’t like that part. 

9:45pm Sensei was texting; asking if I was feeling anything yet. Looking back at my responses I can tell that the more time that past the more high I was getting. But at the time I couldn't tell. The onset of this body high was definitely

different than a head high. Now I know why Sensei could not describe the difference to me. But let me try using various things I texted during and since last nights experience.

  ‘The onset was gentle and gradual. As time past I sunk deeper in’….'I love the body high way better! Relaxing! Plus heightened senses! Interesting combination.’
…’Body High for the win!’, ‘and the sex is completely different!’ 

Regarding that last topic, I just can’t ignore it, but there is no way I’m about to describe it in too much detail either! The head high has me at orgasm quick and easy. Very little is needed to bring it on if I don’t control it, which I can do now. The body high result is a stronger, more intense experience of all the senses. Kissing, touching, and every aspect of love making resulted in a far more passionate, and physically heighten experience than I have had before or ever thought imaginable. I experienced every sensation, every motion, and every moment with an insatiable desire to experience even more. I also remember it all.

Sleep was deep and restful. By morning I still felt the lingering head buzz and I wasn't too interested in getting out of bed as my body still felt heavily relaxed. 

This needs to be my main method of taking in Cannabis! It just has to! I can eat it in front of the kids and function as normal. Then I am able to excuse myself to bed when the high begins to creep in without anyone being the wiser. It’s ideal for me given how hard it is to hide the smell of smoke at least twice a week. Also I have to come in the house high, with no grace period like an edible gives. It might be a few weeks before I can actually get around to making my first actual batch of something. So I’ve got time to educate myself and choose the best option, as well as where to hide said food item where the kids will not get into it! Hmmm, Chocolate something perhaps! 

Give me your best suggestions. I’m needing all the help I can get!