Follow Up on AVB Recipe from Merry Jane

Today marked one month from the time I began the AVB oil steeping in my bedroom closet. Nothing planned today at all so I thought a month was long enough to brew. At lunch I pulled out the jar and buttered my bread with the back of the spoon dipped in the dirty oil for a grilled cheese. Wasn’t enough to feel anything, as I suspected. 

I called it dirty oil there for a reason. As described in the previous blog on how to make this THC rich oil I added Already Vaped Bud to olive oil. The Bud was light to medium brown and brittle from being toasted at the perfect temperature in the oven of my Pax Vape. That now soaked in oil is just as delicate to pressure as it was dry, only not so easy to strain out of oil now. So the dark green brown oil that is the result also has all the bud. Most sunk to the bottom of the jar, but about 10% seems to be suspended throughout the oil. Trying to skim oil off the top is pretty impossible without plant material clinging to the spoon or slipping into the round of the spoon itself. So, it looks like dirty oil. Gross but not unpalatable. My grilled cheese had bits of bud after cooking. I didn't notice them when I ate. In this case the crunch of the oil fried bread matched the texture with the brittle cooked bud. And although yummy, alas there was no buzz to indicate I medicated enough.


Several hours later I was able to try again at dinner. This time I measured out exactly 1 Tablespoon of AVB oil into the small fry pan and cooked my steak strips, then the veggies, and lastly mixed together and flavoured with asian sauces. I made my families dinner exactly the same but with regular oil in a larger pan and at the same time. Again the texture of the dirty AVB oil was hidden with the multiple textures of the stir fry and rice on my plate. The subtle taste of the earthy cannabis terpenes mixed well with the soya sauce, sesame oil and beef. It was a good meal. 

It was a bit longer for this high to kick in for me than usual compared to when I eat my morning dose in brownie or cookie form. I have to take into consideration that this is an entirely different mix of strains coming from my Vape. So this oil has a completely different high for me than my brownie high. When I make Canna-Coconut Oil I mix a high CBD, an Indica and a Sativa, in roughly thirds. But when I vape it’s usually day time so ALL the AVB is only high CBD and Satvia. No Indica at all. So this is pretty much the highest head high I’ve ever had. One Tablespoon it is for my dosage. And perhaps, given that my AVB oil is Sativa I may change my medication habits and cook breakfast with this oil and save the cookies for later in the day when I should be winding down. 

This is what my oil looks like now. Most of the bud sinks to the bottom, when I get down that far I will carefully strain off the oil through a sieve, cuz no one wants THAT much bud in their food! Top floaty bud is not a bother but could be strained off by spooning it through a small sieve right back into the jar.

Did you start collecting your AVB yet? If not you should start! It’s like getting twice the weed for half the money! I just grabbed a clean glass jam jar and keep it on my desk next to the Pax charger. This is where I store the already vaped bud, in a clean air tight jar instead of the garbage. Usually I dump the bud after a few uses, when the green turns a light toasted brown colour. If you toast it too dark there won't be any THC left to get absorbed into the oil. If you vape regularly you will get used to how long it takes you to toast the bud to get enough medicine then, but still have a lightly toasted bud to soak in oil for more medicating later.

Any questions? Anything you would like me to try? Got a recipe I could blog about? Lets make this interactive!

Happy Medicating everyone.

Twenty-forth Day In A Row

I shocked my husband tonight. I was showing him my new art doodling book, and how I’ve started to stretch my creative abilities. I find it very hard to doodle. Always have. I explained that cannabis can be a creativity booster, so when I get the chance while high I am drawing, or writing. Cuz I find that comes easier too.  Anyway, not to get too far off topic, the point was I surprised my husband, with my answer to his question. He asked if I was currently high, which I wouldn't say I am, but I’m still feeling a bit of a buzz. 'Nope, but I have been every day for the last 24 days in a row.' He hesitated. I saw it. I love that he can't tell when I am high. That means I’m not over doing it. I’m not obvious, and it also means that the kids can’t tell either, if my husband can’t….well. I’m hoping they can’t. 

I’ve been keeping track of each dose since I started back in mid December. I

use my Period Tracker App on my phone. I have been generally keeping track of what form I take it in, and what number dose this is. Not so much my reactions. Which is what I will have to start doing once I get the card and start with my actual medicinal strains. Its recommended that you keep a dairy of the strain you use, the method you used to take your dose, and what side effects they cause. This is good to do so you are aware of your body, and what issue the cannabis strain addresses, and if its more effective by smoking, vaping or ingesting. So, I haven’t been that diligent yet. But I will be. 

So today is day 24 in a row. I have enough cookies to get me well past day 30, which is my current goal. It started off with a walk and a J the first night. The next day was my baking day. I was so gone that day! Ate too much for sure! When I got to the end of the first week of having dosed each evening I realized how easy it was. Knowing that I will be having to dose daily and maybe even multiple times a day once I get my medical prescription I decided to just keep going and see what happens. I have learned how much is too little, and how much is too much. I’ve even dosed myself like I would with Tylenol while I’ve been sick this last week. Four days at home with a bad cold is only fun when you eat pot cookies! I would have between 1/3 and 1/2 a cookie, depending on the size of the cookie, in the morning, then about every 2 or 3 hours again. It kept me functioning and able to get up and do what chores and errands needed doing on those days. I’m still trying to run a household, so I had to get some shit done and the cookies were a great help in letting me do that. 

Have I mentioned yet just how much I LOVE edibles?!!? It just makes taking my herb SO much easier! It also takes care of the question of dosing. I can tell how much I’m taking, reduce the amount easily, or increase it. Plus, ya know, not being a smoker makes smoking a joint still complex for me. I’m sure I’m just wasting a lot of weed. But those cookies tho'! Speaking of joints, I guess that’s what I’m going back to for a while once these cookies are gone….what am I going to do!?? I guess, I’ll have to learn the crockpot method of making the butter myself. 

My doctor appointment is nearly here! This Thursday I get to see the doctor who will hopefully prescribe medical marijuana for me. I feel like I’m about to go for a test. If I don’t pass I’ll be relying on my current friends for help. If I do pass, and get the Permission to Possess licence then I’ll be on my own I guess. Able to order my own without guidance, or assistance. No middle man…..

Speaking of being alone. I do find it a bit odd to be A) the Newbie, and B) one who is not in it for purely recreational reasons. Maybe, given I know a few stories, neither were the people I know into it for purely recreational reasons at first. Getting high every day for the last 24 days has been an interesting experience. Most of the time I’ve been low dosing. Keeping me awake and functioning while home. On the other hand, I have been waking up wanting to just have another cookie. I restrain if I have to go to work and just wait until I get home. But, I can’t wait to get home! Purely medicinal reasons really….but enjoying the benefits for sure! 

I’m sure once I get off the skunk and onto some high quality medical grade stuff there will be a difference. The side effects will be different, and the high will be different. My slight tolerance I’ve been working on will probably go to pot (….ok! Hold the phone! Where is that saying from?!!? and what does it mean?) Thank you Urban Dictionary!

Well, at any rate, I’ll have some news for ya all after Thursdays appointment. Until then I’m keeping happy, and trying to keep healthy. If it doesn't go well I’ll be looking to Sensei pretty soon for some more. I might have to anyway, depending on how quick or how slow the next two steps will be. What’s also weird, is how the idea of going independent feels so forlorn.

Growing Pains

Every one gets them, or had them. Growing pains. Usually the idea of them though hovers over the young and still physically growing. Not so much over a woman in her mid 40’s. But, realistically, as you begin to expand in any area of life, be it physical, spiritual, emotional or even social, growing pains can occur. They are just called something different. Like sore muscles from body building (or aging), or spiritual awakening, an emotional breakdown, or even Midlife Crisis. Well, I’m definitely experiencing some growing pains of my own. And I think I’m on a fast track in doing so. 

Perhaps this is my Midlife Crisis. Deciding at 45 yrs old to try Marijuana for the first time. And I’m now even sizing up Salvia, MDMA, or another psychoactive to get some deep healing. But not right away. I’ve got lots of research to do still, not to mention some healing, and even growing. I still need to figure out who I am, why I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m sure at least one of those mentioned above will be part of my journey. Just not yet. 

Spiritually I am, I think, more on top of the ride rather than under it. I don’t feel torn, or even confused by the new direction I have chosen. Instead I feel empowered, awakened, and for the first time free! I saw this photo on HONY on Facebook with the quote, "I haven't felt guilt since I last had a belief system.” I got the impression he understood what I am feeling for the first time now. A lack of judgement. A lack of guilt. A lack of fear even. Instead, I am choosing to hang on to what has always drawn me to religion and spiritual experiences, the love. We, as humans are love, full of love, created by love, and for love. As an imperfect expression of this all encompassing love it needs to be my life long pursuit to express, and be love to the best of my ability. To not settle for fear of the unknown, or my inability to function in a situation but instead let the love that is in me overwhelm those other feelings to the point of motivation and action. The pursuit of love. Sounds simple enough….But I’m no longer fooled. It can be more complicated than you’d think when dealing with other underlying issues.

Emotionally I think I’ve hit a snag. On the surface I’m fine. Even a layer or two down I’ve got a handle on my normal crisis riddled life, now. But deeper than that something is stunted. I feel it. Like some huge wound that is just out of sight, waiting for me to trip over the jagged edge of it and fall right in. Amlost maliciously. I even suspect the issue stems from mother issues. Never feeling good enough for her. Never doing anything right in her eyes. It just seemed so backwards to me as a teen, especially. How I ended up being the one who did everything wrong, when I chose church and religious activities and my sister could do no wrong while she smoked, had many boyfriends, and even got caught by our mother having sex in our house at 17, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’ve always just tried to push memories like those out rather than confront them and deal with them. I think this is the first thing I really need to confront. It’s a scary thing to consider. The possibility that the gapping hole will swallow me and I’ll never find a way out of it might be remote, but the fear of that happening is tangible. I’m wanting to be bold and attack this. It will happen eventually. One bit at a time. Hopefully with help. But if no help is available it will still be worthwhile to pursue healing. And maybe I’ll learn I don’t need to find a hero other than the one in me. 

Socially I’m a high functioning idiot. I can do surface relationship really well. Trying to venture any deeper and I lose the ability to know what’s appropriate and what’s not. I usually come on way to strong. I have always smothered any relationship. If looking backwards tells me anything it says I have little to no experience with deep friendships. Really. I was not close to my sister, and the friends I had as a kid may have been within the neighbourhood and in my same classes, but the ridicule and exclusion I suffered from so many of them created a very shy and self conscious young woman. Anger too came from the feeling of powerlessness most likely. Depression also became a struggle due to the feeling of being rejected, and feeling alone. 

I somehow managed to get married, to another wounded person. So our marriage is functioning but I wouldn’t call it super successful. Frankly with as much crisis as this family has encountered, and the stress it created it’s a wonder we are still an intact family. We always had to deal with the crisis at hand and never had time to focus on how to have healthy relationships. It’s just easier now to just ignore, or put up with what I dislike since he’s a good man, and it’s not bad enough to fix, but not great enough to thrive. This area is far too sensitive to bring up any further. Too much pain.

Even I can see the tangled mess of one flowing into the next. They are all connected, making an endless loop. The emotional and social mess I am effect my spiritual life also. Why else would I always feel unable to please God?! No matter how hard I tried. Mentally beating myself up for not being good enough. Always hearing the words of Jesus in a tone of voice that burned with disappointment, and frustration, or anger, or annoyance. As hard as I tried. As much as I desired it, I could not hear Him saying anything in a loving tone, with a kind voice and a kind face. So I’ve stopped trying. I’ve stopped focusing on trying to feel loved and instead I’m focusing on giving love. 

So the tangled mess of everything does sometimes drown out the pleasures of everyday blessings. Thus I’ve become more aware and now I often make a conscious effort to enjoy the moments right in front of me. The choice to do so helps to keep everything else in perspective. When I use to focus on the mess, either on the inside, or the outside it just produced depression. Now, I am much more happy and fulfilled in my boring everyday life. Because in this boring everyday life there are some really fantastic moments, some really amazing friends, and some interesting experiences. The knowledge that I am now gathered into the greater good of this world, strategically placed to spread love and kindness to whomever my life encounters, to the best of my ability gives my everyday life purpose and meaning and joy. 

While I could very easily digress to the negative perspective as I have done for so long, now I chose differently. Sometimes that choice has to be made everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Other times I forget altogether. Eventually I remember to shift my focus to staying in the moment and being the Love I know I am. These are choices that have no attachment to a religion, a denomination, a creed, or a sect. But they do have a spectacular reaction in a humans life once they are choose.

I’m so glad I am waking up. 

It feels good to be present in my own life, instead of wishing it away.

Getting High WITH Hubby?!?!

Well! If I thought it was uncomfortable to be high in front of my husband, imagine just how uncomfortable it was for me this past weekend getting high WITH my husband! The answer is VERY uncomfortable! Not because I feel I’m doing something wrong and I don't want him to see me that way, or me to see him that way. It was more because I felt I had lost the only person I could trust to make good judgements while I was high. If I’ve latched onto anything in all my reading it’s the idea of being able to trust who you're with. 

We were away for the weekend. One night turned into two because we were snowed in at the Hotel with highways closed all over the province. We kind of expected it so we were prepared and not stressed about it. We decided to enjoy it. By Sunday afternoon I was ready for a puff.  We decided upon smoking in the car since this posh hotel had surveillance just about everywhere. My husband said he would join me and just have one puff so as not to be as high as me. That was all it took apparently. He agreed later that the stuff of today is stronger then the stuff his brother use to grow in the back of an old truck on the farm. It was fast acting, but didn't last as long as it did for me as I smoked more. 

The first time of many I thought, “this is the worst idea we have ever had” came as we were trying to get out of the car. Snow so deep it was as high as my boots. It was uneven to walk on and made me feel unsteady. Getting in the building I assumed the smell was blasted off us from the strong winds we had to walk against to get back so I wasn’t worried about our scent. The walk to our room was cool. The carpet is

pretty trippy. I loved it. Once back in the room hubby wanted to leave again to go to dinner which started at 5pm, just a half hour ago. But there was NO stinkin’ WAY I was going to trust him to take me to dinner! I didn’t feel capable of being with people yet. My first time with people while high was only two days prior. I certainly didn't trust hubby to be in the presence of others because I didn't know, not could I tell how his puff was effecting him! I figured we were just going to stay in the room the rest of the night, skipping dinner. Hubby would not have it!

After about an hour and a half I felt more calm, and he convinced me we could do it. So down we headed to the Lounge. Would have been great, except there was no room in the Lounge so they put us in the Fine Dinning part of the restaurant! They gave us TWO menus! And this carpet was 3D boxes. I liked it a lot. I think we did ok. No one knew us so how would they know if we were behaving differently than normal? I just chose to use the path of less resistance. Used yes and no as often as was appropriate, and choose the special rather than have to chose between 20 items across two menus. While waiting for our food to arrive we actually had a conversation about time travel as I tried to explain my first high and how I felt like I traveled in time. (See that post here). For the first time, he said, he found the topic of time travel interesting and even a possibility! 

Eating was simply amazing! With heightened senses and the munchies a side effect of cannabis, eating a high quality, expensive meal was one of the best decisions ever! The little appetizer of three types of bread served with oil and vinegar was delightful. Our dinner of Pot Roast, Yorkshire Pudding, Garlic Mashed and side of veggies was excellent and the best meal ever eaten. But the surprise, and most physically engaging part of the meal came in the form of a half shell. I have never liked the idea of eating raw oyster on the half shell before. But this night my fears were suspended and I just said yes when asked if we would like “yadda, yadda, oyster on the half Shell tonight”. I totally missed the name, but I think it was Caesar Oyster in the Half Shell. 

I picked it up, made sure it was loose enough to slip off the shell and tipped my head back as I let it slide into my mouth and swallowed. It was sweet, and salty, with a hint of tomato. Absolutely stunned at how good it was I didn’t know how to react at first, until I covered my mouth and started to laugh, nearly crying from shear pleasure. Now THAT was a great experience! 

Hubby said that by the time dessert came he was pretty much clear headed. It took me another hour or so before I was. But I was no longer concerned about being in public. We had pulled it off and managed to enjoy every second of the experience. I am glad this is a one time thing for hubby. He’s more concerned with at least one parent being available for the kids than anything else. So, with us away and the kids at home it was his only chance. It might be a year or more  before he gets the opportunity again. 

Aside from the paranoia it produced in me I think the night went pretty well. 

Dear Sensei

I use to work with my Sensei. Which was awesome cuz Sensei is a great person and often brought fun to an otherwise very busy and often exhausting work environment. But talking about anything important at work was near impossible. For this reason most of my conversations with Sensei were restricted to short bursts on a deep topic during a short break. 

 I allowed Sensei to introduce me to the magical herb. (I practically begged, actually). I felt a strong loyalty to Sensei because of their willingness to help me. I was surprised with the level of grace I received over my near panic most of the time. But no big deal was made about it. Sensei listened and encouraged, and helped. End of topic. 

 That is one of the reasons our friendship is still so very important to me. It goes beyond and before the whole Cannabis connection. I could not express to anyone just how much Sensei’s friendship still means to me. I've had trouble understanding it myself. I've fretted over it even, because I'm too much. I can easily overwhelm a person. I mean look! I'm writing a blog about my internal struggle over this friendship. Does anyone else do that!? 

It is a friendship that grew on the meeting of mind and spirit. Out of the desire to improve, grow and seek out truth. Still, when something happens I want to turn around and text Sensei all about it. I still hold back a lot, I used to feel guilty about it. Like it was wrong to want to communicate with this person, but I've recently come to realize that having a good friend with whom I feel comfortable communicating about anything is a gift. I am allowed to allow myself the enjoyment of, the luxury of a good friend, am I not? 

(What a sad, lonely and messed up life I've lived to think of friendship as a luxury!)

Really, from the first day I met this person I felt a connection to them. I didn’t understand why. Of course back then I was stupid enough to think it was because I was going to eventually convince them of their need for the God of the Bible. In the end Sensei became my saviour instead. Or to use an apparently very overused term, my Wonder-wall. Sensei was the one who was bold enough and gracious enough to be open to listen to me without judgement, go deep with me, inspire me and challenge me. Making me want to be a better person. Gifting me with a rare opportunity to learn what a good friend is. What friendship can look like. Gifting me with the experience that I can contribute to a conversation, or relationship without the experience of being rejected. Communication was easy with Sensei.
The time and effort was taken, and it made me feel valued. 

 So, to Sensei:

I miss you. I miss our deep but sporatic conversations. I've missed the friendship we had, and realize it was me who pulled away. Because I didn't understand, that I am allowed to have good, healthy friendships. I didn't know that I didn't think I was good enough to have that. 

Even though our paths are no longer traveling in the same general trajectory any more, I'm not wanting our friendship to fade. I'm not willing to let that happen. Every time something happens I want to turn around and tell you about it (I still resist a lot). Because you are a rare breed. You listen. Your interest and care for me, as just another human being is genuine. Somehow along the path of your life you have managed to loose much of ego. It is attractive, and it is inspiring! And I need more people in my life who inspire me like you do. 

Frankly, I'm sure this friendship is more one sided than I'd be proud to admit. I think I get way more out of our friendship then I can possibly give back. Sincerely, thank you for that.

So, FYI, I'm keeping you. 

J

Hippy Crack Cookies

So my first experience with edibles has finally happened and I couldn’t be happier with the result!

A quick explanation as to how I managed to get my first cookies.

I have a friend who I haven’t seen in quite some time. About a month before Christmas I told her I was looking at trying Cannabis for the first time. Two weeks ago I sent her a quick private message on Facebook to say I’ve been enjoying my new found appreciation for this herb and sent her the link to this blog. A coffee date was quickly made after that. Forward to my coffee date earlier this week. As my friend came to our table with her coffee she surprised me by pulling a bag of four peanut butter cookies out of her purse and gave them to me in honour or my new found extra curricular activity. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was so excited! At least twice during our 3 hour coffee date I stopped talking, grinned and said, “Eeeee! I have cookies!” 

The cookies, I was told, were made using that crystal that my catcher is for on my grinder. Also known as Hippy Crack. (A new term!) She explained that the flavour of the peanut butter tends to hide the pungent flavour of the weed a bit better than others. Oh, I wish I had thought to take a picture of them, for posterity. They didn’t look any different then regular peanut butter cookies, but they smelled different! 

First thing I did when I left was head straight to Sensei! Upon seeing me I was asked how my coffee date went. I’m pretty sure I was grinning from ear to ear. I opened my purse and simply said, “THIS good!” to expose my cookies. I did offer to share, and gave Sensei two. I almost regret that now. But not completely. Because Sensei is my guide of sorts on this journey. My helper so I don’t do everything wrong, go too fast, or go over board. I’m very glad that I have a person who is willing to support me in this way. I’ve already made my share of mistakes in spite of Sensei’s guidance, which made it all the more important for me to listen this time when it came to trying my first edible. So Sensei tried them first and gave me the go ahead to have both cookies at once, instead of the half I would have tried without the guidance, which would have lead to an uneventful and disappointing experience I'm sure. 

All stupidly scientific like I decided to take notes of the experience. I’m such a nerd, I know. But don’t worry that mood didn’t last long.

One things for sure. I was VERY glad to have cookies to partake of because there was no frackin’ way I wanted to go outside in a blizzard for a puff of my last joint. Given my desire to have at least two evenings a week when I can have a puff I would not have been a happy camper if I couldn't get my midweek dose last night. 

8:19pm the cookies were both eaten and digesting. I read articles on Facebook and watched Veronica Mars.

By 9:14pm I was feeling a slight buzz in my head but nothing noticeable that would speak “Body High” to me. 

9:29pm Heart rate increased, and at times it seemed to pound. I was able to have a normal but short exchange of words with my older daughter who was in the room with me, though I don’t remember what it was about now. Shortly after 9:40pm I was leaning back on the couch and listening to Yaybahar on Youtube. I must have replayed that 7 minute video about 8 times. Simply hypnotic and relaxing! Except, I think there were certain parts of the music that actually made my heart race more. I didn’t like that part. 

9:45pm Sensei was texting; asking if I was feeling anything yet. Looking back at my responses I can tell that the more time that past the more high I was getting. But at the time I couldn't tell. The onset of this body high was definitely

different than a head high. Now I know why Sensei could not describe the difference to me. But let me try using various things I texted during and since last nights experience.

  ‘The onset was gentle and gradual. As time past I sunk deeper in’….'I love the body high way better! Relaxing! Plus heightened senses! Interesting combination.’
…’Body High for the win!’, ‘and the sex is completely different!’ 

Regarding that last topic, I just can’t ignore it, but there is no way I’m about to describe it in too much detail either! The head high has me at orgasm quick and easy. Very little is needed to bring it on if I don’t control it, which I can do now. The body high result is a stronger, more intense experience of all the senses. Kissing, touching, and every aspect of love making resulted in a far more passionate, and physically heighten experience than I have had before or ever thought imaginable. I experienced every sensation, every motion, and every moment with an insatiable desire to experience even more. I also remember it all.

Sleep was deep and restful. By morning I still felt the lingering head buzz and I wasn't too interested in getting out of bed as my body still felt heavily relaxed. 

This needs to be my main method of taking in Cannabis! It just has to! I can eat it in front of the kids and function as normal. Then I am able to excuse myself to bed when the high begins to creep in without anyone being the wiser. It’s ideal for me given how hard it is to hide the smell of smoke at least twice a week. Also I have to come in the house high, with no grace period like an edible gives. It might be a few weeks before I can actually get around to making my first actual batch of something. So I’ve got time to educate myself and choose the best option, as well as where to hide said food item where the kids will not get into it! Hmmm, Chocolate something perhaps! 

Give me your best suggestions. I’m needing all the help I can get! 

Revelations from Day 5

So, just a side note to begin…..my unnamed friend who has introduced me to this wonderful herb, supplied me with my first few buds, and has now sold me my first purchased buds, will now and forever be referred to as Sensei. 

sensei: Noun. Japanese for "teacher". Can be used as a suffix in names, and can be used for anyone who is knowledgeable or high in a profession…

Haha! High in a profession!

It kind of came out as a joke actually. I had mentioned to my husband how my friend has advise me to NOT try edibles yet. I’m too new and the effect is a much stronger high, a body high, that I would not be ready for. So hubby makes the statement, “what Sensei says, you need to listen to”. That was it, I decided it’s sticking. Really it just makes life easier when blogging to refer to a person with a moniker of some sort cuz I don’t even want to give away if Sensei is male or female!

I was telling Sensei about my fifth high last week. It had been a week since my last and I was feeling a bit desperate to get out and have a smoke simply because I was noticing how unhappy I was feeling in general. It was time for another dose. 

Sensei laughed at me…I was so intent on getting out to the barn and getting that medicine into me that I literally forgot I was going to get high from it!  I don’t even know! No idea why I forgot about that at all. I got hit suddenly, unexpectedly with that swimmy headed feeling and it dawned on my then, “oh, right! I’m getting high!” 

Perhaps it was my terminology that through me. I kept thinking I needed to get out for a smoke….So Smoking doesn’t get you high. Maybe that’s why I forgot I would get high. At any rate I enjoyed this High by sending a flirty text to Sensei….SO embarrassing! Used the Joey line. Apologized two hours later…Sensei had “high texted’ people before….Great Grace is shown me by this person, I must say! 

Now, that faux pas would have torn at me for hours, and even days, feeling guilty and stupid and embarrassed. I have none of that gunk now! I am done with self loathing and dwelling on my mistakes. If Sensei can show me grace and kindness in the face of some pretty stupid stuff I’ve said or done then I can show myself the same courtesy. We all make mistakes. We all are just blundering about in this life, for the most part, with such unattainable standards in front of us that we forget half the stuff we do is often trial and error, with a few successes thrown in to keep us motivated to keep trying. Well. That’s my perspective now anyway. So life in general feels much less difficult and happy is easier to achieve, and keep. I’m not sure if I dropped the unattainable standard, or gained more grace towards myself….probably both.

Next day I felt like baking! And bake I did! Banana Bread, and Snickerdoodles. You U.S. readers will know what those are! Love them!

Two days after my 5th dose I was still as happy as a lark! In fact, I had tears come to my eyes just thinking how much happier I have been lately! I sent this text, “omg Sensei! How did I live before this!!!!???? I want to cry I'm so happy now.”

I’m sure people who have no knowledge of how this herb works will think my happiness is contrived, or falsely brought on and only there because of the residual effects of the high. The answer to that is yes, and no. Yes it is caused by taking in the THC and CBD from smoking the herb. But it is not a false happy. It is true the happy doesn't last in me forever after one dose, but nor does it only last while high. Just like some Pharmaceuticals are designed to alter brain chemistry, with the desired result being to end depressive thoughts and tendencies, so does the THC and CBD do the same thing. Just like typical prescribed drugs that must be taken daily to keep the change consistent and to be helpful, so the herb must be taken at least 2 times a week for me, to keep my state of mind consistent. So far it’s working beautifully for me! 

Come to think of it, I can’t really say I’m “happy” while high. I think I feel more inconvenienced by the high than anything else. I like the result, I wish it didn’t take up so much of my time before I can go out and function after a dose. Though I don't hate the high either…I’m learning and exploring so much about who I am in the process. Still, if I could choose, I’d rather not be high every time.

Now, on the topic of exploring and the benefits of my new activity, sex with my husband while high is better than anything else I have enjoyed! Ever!! Everything just happens so much easier….and more often! A “happy” wife means a lucky husband in this house! So my husband is happy to see me head out to the barn every few days now. 

Sex With A Song!??

Monday the 29th of December the kids all left to do some after christmas shopping. 

I headed to the barn for a puff around 6pm. Tonight it had dawned on me I could go in there to partake of my second rolled joint. With the lights off. Our barn is big. It holds a lot of junk. Some of the stuff is ours, some of it from others. I took a candle for light, but I figured it would be easier to use then the lighter to relight the joint if it goes out often again. Worked beautifully! Took the ashtray cup. I set up a patio chair beside a dead dehumidifier and Voila! A safe place away from prying eyes, nosey neighbours and the smell is contained. I’m sheltered from the weather as well. We shall see how long it lasts!

Still coughing, I managed to smoke 3/4 of this second joint I had rolled a couple days ahead of time to be prepared for just such a time as this. Blowing out the candle to leave added a new dimension to my return trip out the door to venture back to the house. Sudden blackness. My phone became my saving grace because I was afraid to move!

It’s been long enough now since that night that I don’t remember how I got back in the house or what I did before getting into bed. Time distorted again. I was ridiculously cold again! 

I texted my friend who was apparently online…No answer. Again my friend was missing my high. I so wanted to test out how I was able to communicate while high, but it wasn’t going to happen this night. 

What I did do was decide to enjoy some music this time. Not much else I could do laying there freezing in bed anyway. I had just the song I wanted to watch the video of. I had actually planned to watch this for my first time, but that played out differently. Find the link here to the song. Maybe you will want to enjoy it while high as well. It’s a seven and a half minute long song. I thought it was trippy when not high! So bundled up under the covers again, I watched it on my phone. 

Somewhere half way through the song I was no longer enjoying the visuals and sound sensation. But the song was enjoying me! The song ends with a prolonged mid frequency note which I “woke up” to, realizing I had just somehow, unbelievably, had sex with this song! 

I recall wondering how these artists knew, planned their video and music so perfectly to produce a visual and auditory encounter like that. It felt like it was created that way on purpose. I’m a little embarrassed to say that song pretty much set the mood for the rest of the night. Couldn’t help it. I did try to pull myself out of that direction a couple times, but finally just gave in to its overwhelming power. Three hours later…..I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep! 

Because I was a little more cognizant now I thought I was coming down…nothing could have been further from the truth!  In hind sight, I definitely smoked too much again. I messaged my friend around 4 am. Judging from the text I was still high. I was over sharing. 

Two things happened. 

First, the only thing I had read about that made me nervous was weed could increase sexual appetite. O.K., nervous and intrigued. Having been on anti-depressants in the past for a few years I had a similar experience. It took six weeks for the medication to actually have an effect, and when it literally kicked in I was insatiable! For exactly one week. It was a good week mind you. There were days I’d call my husband at work and ask if he could come home for lunch. That never happened before, or again. This night totally put that week to shame. And for days after a simple memory had me in a state of trying to control myself. 

The second thing that happened; I went to work high the next morning. Not a great idea. I didn't realize I was still high until I was actually at work and needing to interact with people. At home getting ready, it had been quiet and I was alone since everyone else in the house was still asleep. At work I was overwhelmed and lacked judgement, I could tell. I definitely made some bad decisions that day. Even got a co-worker of mine rather mad at me. I’m VERY thankful that person is very easy going and forgiving, and is still talking to me a week later! I didn’t come off this extended buzz until around 2pm. Of course, by then I was just so upset with myself for hurting my friend that I was having a hard time functioning well at work for a new reason. 

Benefits! Still seeing them. 

A sex drive like I’ve never had. This is both wonderful for my marriage and occasionally troublesome. I just need to learn to focus my mind. That helps.

I’m happy. Did I say that before? I did. I will have to find a new benefit for next blog, but for now this one will have to be recycled. I have everything I need in life, and could want really. Why it was so hard to be happy before seems ridiculous now that I am happy.  It proves, for me anyway, that happy is not circumstantial at all. There was and is nothing I can do to make myself happy out of shear will power. Reminding myself of all the good things I have just made me feel worse that I couldn't be happy because of them. 

I don’t need to constantly remind myself of those things now. I just enjoy them. I function in them. I smile because of them. I don’t want to change them. And on a related note, I was wanting to quit my job for about a year now, but couldn’t bring myself to. I think I was depressed, making the idea of a change the only thing that made sense. Now I have no desire to quit. I’m happy with my life, that includes my job. In fact it fits me well and I’m good at it. 

The Underwhelming Night - My second Puff

I really feel like I’m going to forget this second high if I don't write it down…It was not as intense it’s true, but the first and the third were SO intense it is causing my second high to fade in my memory. There are two reasons I’m writing this stuff down here; one is to help me process what is happening.The second reason is to document the benefits, so I don’t forget and don't lose the purpose in what I’m doing. I’m not doing this to get lost in the haze.

Day two….or opportunity number two, really. Four days after the first and only two days before christmas. I came home from work to find no one home and no one expected for at least an hour as the family were christmas shopping. This was stupid move number two! It was still day light out, and not wanting to miss this rare opportunity but not wanting to venture outside and risk actually being seen I lit the last quarter of the first joint in the house…..yes….I really did. 

I hear it now….”dufas”!  

Yup. I’ll admit it. That I am.

I threw the window in my bedroom open and tried to keep the smoke going out, but I think it just blew it all back in. The left over joint wasn't a huge amount that I could accidentally over do it this time. It was just enough to give me that swimmy head feeling and then the thing was done. I was still in my work clothes I was in such a rush to do this thing. I tossed the filter into the toilet not wanting anything to remain and had a shower before laying down. Though I was kind of in a hurry to have my second joint, and to lay down in my room before the family got home, I also made a conscious effort to thoroughly enjoy a warm shower. The nervousness of the kids being able to smell it when they got home nagged at me though. So the enjoyment of relaxing was a bit hampered. 

My husband came home and announced through the door that he could smell it.  I sprayed lysol around the house but it didn’t get rid of the smell. This was not a good option. I’d have to tweak my protocol. I found as long as the bedroom door was closed it was not noticed in the rest of the house. Thankfully.

I laid down and don't really remember much of the next few hours. Except that I was relaxed, and that the time distortion was not as intense as the first time. For that I am thankful. I didn’t sleep this time though. It was just a nice relaxing high, in which I got very cold again. I hate this side effect! I hate being cold! 

This high did not last as long. I was only about two hours by myself in bed, and then I got up and snacked in the kitchen talking to my husband. Dinner was well over by the time I got up, so I ventured into crappy snack food that is not usually found in my house, except that it is at christmas. Food underwhelmed me. I made a mental note to stock better food for my next experience. Drink didn't impress me either. Hmm, munchies not so fun for me apparently. Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

I had purposely been avoiding wine ever since my first experience. I noticed two days after my first high that I was more sensitive to acquiring a wine buzz. That’s new. Usually I can drink two full glasses and not feel a thing ,except that I sleep better. But now I feel that swishy feeling in my head half way through the first glass. Ok, cool….so now I’m very nervous to drink any wine at all in the evening, unless there is absolutely no chance for me to go out and have a puff, like on an evening before work….but that’s the next storey.

Benefits I’m seeing:  A definite increase in sexual interest. This is a huge benefit! I would never have admitted it before, but I really wasn’t into sex at all. It’s not that I didn’t like it. It just seemed like so much work. I thought something was wrong with me and never had the nerve to talk about it to anyone! Not even my husband. Too much embarrassment attached to sex in general to ever consider bringing it up. I guess I did have something wrong with me. I just didn’t have a sex drive at all. I've got one now though! 

A second benefit is, I’m happy. Not just relaxed and happy when I’m high, but generally happy. I bounce around at work, humming, singing and dancing while I go about the work day. I have nothing to complain about. Stupid stuff I do rolls off my back, where I would have obsessed about how stupid I was or looked to someone else for hours. The fact that I can post here about my lack of and new found sex drive is a big deal! Could NOT talk about those kinds of things before. Before fear of what others thought of me suffocated me. I lived out of the fear of what someone might think, or say about me. Now? Not so worried at all. There is SUCH freedom in that! 

Attached to this second benefit is the fact that all this is happening in much less time then it took those blasted anti-depressants to kick in. The only time I took those, it took six weeks before I saw any benefit at all. Those increased my sexual desire too, but only for the first week after the kick in. Then I lost interest again. 

I guess the third benefit so far is more open communication with my husband. This was first forced upon me by my “safe” friend. The idea of helping me into the world of weed was not really welcomed until my husband was in the know. I can respect a person with such integrity! When I finally did bring it up to my husband that’s when the ball started to get rolling. With only two people in my life who actually knew what I was about to embark on, it made for a very small group of people with whom to communicate. If I have something I want to share, my husband it pretty much the goto person, my “safe friend” a close second.

So, although I'd say my execution of high #2 was far from perfect again! I'd have to say the benefits are making up for my newbie-isms.