Revelations from Day 5

So, just a side note to begin…..my unnamed friend who has introduced me to this wonderful herb, supplied me with my first few buds, and has now sold me my first purchased buds, will now and forever be referred to as Sensei. 

sensei: Noun. Japanese for "teacher". Can be used as a suffix in names, and can be used for anyone who is knowledgeable or high in a profession…

Haha! High in a profession!

It kind of came out as a joke actually. I had mentioned to my husband how my friend has advise me to NOT try edibles yet. I’m too new and the effect is a much stronger high, a body high, that I would not be ready for. So hubby makes the statement, “what Sensei says, you need to listen to”. That was it, I decided it’s sticking. Really it just makes life easier when blogging to refer to a person with a moniker of some sort cuz I don’t even want to give away if Sensei is male or female!

I was telling Sensei about my fifth high last week. It had been a week since my last and I was feeling a bit desperate to get out and have a smoke simply because I was noticing how unhappy I was feeling in general. It was time for another dose. 

Sensei laughed at me…I was so intent on getting out to the barn and getting that medicine into me that I literally forgot I was going to get high from it!  I don’t even know! No idea why I forgot about that at all. I got hit suddenly, unexpectedly with that swimmy headed feeling and it dawned on my then, “oh, right! I’m getting high!” 

Perhaps it was my terminology that through me. I kept thinking I needed to get out for a smoke….So Smoking doesn’t get you high. Maybe that’s why I forgot I would get high. At any rate I enjoyed this High by sending a flirty text to Sensei….SO embarrassing! Used the Joey line. Apologized two hours later…Sensei had “high texted’ people before….Great Grace is shown me by this person, I must say! 

Now, that faux pas would have torn at me for hours, and even days, feeling guilty and stupid and embarrassed. I have none of that gunk now! I am done with self loathing and dwelling on my mistakes. If Sensei can show me grace and kindness in the face of some pretty stupid stuff I’ve said or done then I can show myself the same courtesy. We all make mistakes. We all are just blundering about in this life, for the most part, with such unattainable standards in front of us that we forget half the stuff we do is often trial and error, with a few successes thrown in to keep us motivated to keep trying. Well. That’s my perspective now anyway. So life in general feels much less difficult and happy is easier to achieve, and keep. I’m not sure if I dropped the unattainable standard, or gained more grace towards myself….probably both.

Next day I felt like baking! And bake I did! Banana Bread, and Snickerdoodles. You U.S. readers will know what those are! Love them!

Two days after my 5th dose I was still as happy as a lark! In fact, I had tears come to my eyes just thinking how much happier I have been lately! I sent this text, “omg Sensei! How did I live before this!!!!???? I want to cry I'm so happy now.”

I’m sure people who have no knowledge of how this herb works will think my happiness is contrived, or falsely brought on and only there because of the residual effects of the high. The answer to that is yes, and no. Yes it is caused by taking in the THC and CBD from smoking the herb. But it is not a false happy. It is true the happy doesn't last in me forever after one dose, but nor does it only last while high. Just like some Pharmaceuticals are designed to alter brain chemistry, with the desired result being to end depressive thoughts and tendencies, so does the THC and CBD do the same thing. Just like typical prescribed drugs that must be taken daily to keep the change consistent and to be helpful, so the herb must be taken at least 2 times a week for me, to keep my state of mind consistent. So far it’s working beautifully for me! 

Come to think of it, I can’t really say I’m “happy” while high. I think I feel more inconvenienced by the high than anything else. I like the result, I wish it didn’t take up so much of my time before I can go out and function after a dose. Though I don't hate the high either…I’m learning and exploring so much about who I am in the process. Still, if I could choose, I’d rather not be high every time.

Now, on the topic of exploring and the benefits of my new activity, sex with my husband while high is better than anything else I have enjoyed! Ever!! Everything just happens so much easier….and more often! A “happy” wife means a lucky husband in this house! So my husband is happy to see me head out to the barn every few days now.