First Time Roller -The Decision.

Welcome to my blog. First day of the year, first blog. 

I have plans. Plans on what to write. Plans for personal growth and improvement. And plans to tell you good humans about my brand new journey into the use of Weed.

I did not make the decision to start using lightly! No one ever should. In my 40’s, married with children is not where I thought I’d be making this choice, but here I am. Never thought I’d make this choice in the first place!

So what lead me to this decision? It’s complex, yet simple.

The journey began a few years ago when I met a co-worker I soon found out was a “pot-head”. I had no knowledge of the culture or misinformation that surrounded the Herb back then. I was firmly entrenched in the misinformation side, obviously! But as I got to know him I found he was the most interesting person I had ever met. He was articulate, intelligent, spiritually minded, always helpful,  and sincere. I had the most interesting conversations with him. Better and deeper than I ever had with pretty much all the christians I associated with. 

You see, I’ve been born again since the 90’s! I have tried to live the life of an upstanding, faithful and humble christian for nearly 20 years. (Really, all I ever felt was judged and not good enough.) So, I was both shocked and intrigued by this individual who seemed to have more in common with my beliefs than anyone else I had met before. It is he who taught me acceptance of others differences and beliefs, and acceptance of myself. 

He introduced me to the world of medical marijuana with Sanjay Gupta’s first piece entitled  Weed . I highly recommend you watch it, and the second one before you decide I’ve been brainwashed. 

  It is compelling! It also got me thinking, that perhaps I too can benefit from this herb to reduce the depression that has overwhelmed me for many years, but it being illegal preserved me from ever really thinking it was a true option. I am not a fan of using pharmaceuticals in general, but especially ones that alter the brain. Up till now I had been shamed into thinking that I was just not a good enough christian because I couldn’t pull it together and just be happy. If God wanted me well, He would heal me…It was a cycle that just dragged me down further into self loathing. It had to stop. But I didn’t know that then, I was still fully in it.

After more than two years of reading and learning off and on about weed but never really considering it as an option, I hit a wall. Not the kind of wall that is internal, but a wall that sprung up in front of me, put up by another christian. I was verbally attacked in a public forum by an immature christian whom I thought was a friend, and way more mature than the attack suggested. Then, my worst fear came true. I found out what others thought of me. In all the years I had know some of these people my only desire was to be wanted, appreciated and even loved by them. Turns out some of them are actually afraid to get to know me. So, I am not only unloved by them but I am unwanted. I’m too complicated, too unstable perhaps. 

Not good enough.

It hurt. A lot! But it’s fine now. It forced me to see who my real friends are, and have been. Very, very few are actually christian. And that’s ok. I have been embarrassed to admit I was a christian at times because of the way other christians behave, judge, and condemn. I want no part of that. Love is the true good news. That HE first loved us, without requiring us to change a single thing about us to earn that love. That is what I want to know, and be known for. Just love. Which does mean I’ll have to eventually forgive the ones who hurt me and love them too….but let’s take one thing at a time! Back to my current story.

Such a painful revelation brought me to the decision that I needed to follow a new path. No longer was I going to do what everyone else expected of me. I was going to find my own destiny and path. For the first time in forever I was going to chose to live and not hide! My new destination is towards self love and acceptance, and healing. This path lead to some christian counselling and healing AND, independent of that, the decision to try weed.

I knew that weed might not be for me, it’s not for everyone. But I was hopeful that the CBD content of the herb would be helpful to me in overcoming depression, as well as pain reduction from a former sports injury. So far it has proven to have benefits I didn't realize were possible!

I do have less self hatred, more self acceptance. I have lost the fear of what others think of me, and gained much more inner peace. I have more enjoyment in my daily life activities now then I ever did striving to be good enough for others, or God. I have more confidence in who I am and where I am in my life journey. I see my current status in life as more of a success than a succession of failures now. All these are small things, yet they are HUGE to me. Mindsets I was stuck in and kept me feeling less than everyone else for years are slowly fading.

My only difficultly now is finding the opportunity to smoke. With kids around, the lack of guidance through this new journey and the demands of my work schedule I have only had the chance to partake three times so far. Each time different, weird, and wonderful…and perhaps a bit overwhelming! 

So, with each new adventure, hurdle, and experience I have chosen you, the reader, to join me in my new quest into this wide and wondrous world as a first time roller.

More to come…….The Lead Up, My First Time, My Second Experience, The Second Joint and Sex with a Song?