Dear Sensei

I use to work with my Sensei. Which was awesome cuz Sensei is a great person and often brought fun to an otherwise very busy and often exhausting work environment. But talking about anything important at work was near impossible. For this reason most of my conversations with Sensei were restricted to short bursts on a deep topic during a short break. 

 I allowed Sensei to introduce me to the magical herb. (I practically begged, actually). I felt a strong loyalty to Sensei because of their willingness to help me. I was surprised with the level of grace I received over my near panic most of the time. But no big deal was made about it. Sensei listened and encouraged, and helped. End of topic. 

 That is one of the reasons our friendship is still so very important to me. It goes beyond and before the whole Cannabis connection. I could not express to anyone just how much Sensei’s friendship still means to me. I've had trouble understanding it myself. I've fretted over it even, because I'm too much. I can easily overwhelm a person. I mean look! I'm writing a blog about my internal struggle over this friendship. Does anyone else do that!? 

It is a friendship that grew on the meeting of mind and spirit. Out of the desire to improve, grow and seek out truth. Still, when something happens I want to turn around and text Sensei all about it. I still hold back a lot, I used to feel guilty about it. Like it was wrong to want to communicate with this person, but I've recently come to realize that having a good friend with whom I feel comfortable communicating about anything is a gift. I am allowed to allow myself the enjoyment of, the luxury of a good friend, am I not? 

(What a sad, lonely and messed up life I've lived to think of friendship as a luxury!)

Really, from the first day I met this person I felt a connection to them. I didn’t understand why. Of course back then I was stupid enough to think it was because I was going to eventually convince them of their need for the God of the Bible. In the end Sensei became my saviour instead. Or to use an apparently very overused term, my Wonder-wall. Sensei was the one who was bold enough and gracious enough to be open to listen to me without judgement, go deep with me, inspire me and challenge me. Making me want to be a better person. Gifting me with a rare opportunity to learn what a good friend is. What friendship can look like. Gifting me with the experience that I can contribute to a conversation, or relationship without the experience of being rejected. Communication was easy with Sensei.
The time and effort was taken, and it made me feel valued. 

 So, to Sensei:

I miss you. I miss our deep but sporatic conversations. I've missed the friendship we had, and realize it was me who pulled away. Because I didn't understand, that I am allowed to have good, healthy friendships. I didn't know that I didn't think I was good enough to have that. 

Even though our paths are no longer traveling in the same general trajectory any more, I'm not wanting our friendship to fade. I'm not willing to let that happen. Every time something happens I want to turn around and tell you about it (I still resist a lot). Because you are a rare breed. You listen. Your interest and care for me, as just another human being is genuine. Somehow along the path of your life you have managed to loose much of ego. It is attractive, and it is inspiring! And I need more people in my life who inspire me like you do. 

Frankly, I'm sure this friendship is more one sided than I'd be proud to admit. I think I get way more out of our friendship then I can possibly give back. Sincerely, thank you for that.

So, FYI, I'm keeping you. 

J