Hippy Crack Cookies

So my first experience with edibles has finally happened and I couldn’t be happier with the result!

A quick explanation as to how I managed to get my first cookies.

I have a friend who I haven’t seen in quite some time. About a month before Christmas I told her I was looking at trying Cannabis for the first time. Two weeks ago I sent her a quick private message on Facebook to say I’ve been enjoying my new found appreciation for this herb and sent her the link to this blog. A coffee date was quickly made after that. Forward to my coffee date earlier this week. As my friend came to our table with her coffee she surprised me by pulling a bag of four peanut butter cookies out of her purse and gave them to me in honour or my new found extra curricular activity. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was so excited! At least twice during our 3 hour coffee date I stopped talking, grinned and said, “Eeeee! I have cookies!” 

The cookies, I was told, were made using that crystal that my catcher is for on my grinder. Also known as Hippy Crack. (A new term!) She explained that the flavour of the peanut butter tends to hide the pungent flavour of the weed a bit better than others. Oh, I wish I had thought to take a picture of them, for posterity. They didn’t look any different then regular peanut butter cookies, but they smelled different! 

First thing I did when I left was head straight to Sensei! Upon seeing me I was asked how my coffee date went. I’m pretty sure I was grinning from ear to ear. I opened my purse and simply said, “THIS good!” to expose my cookies. I did offer to share, and gave Sensei two. I almost regret that now. But not completely. Because Sensei is my guide of sorts on this journey. My helper so I don’t do everything wrong, go too fast, or go over board. I’m very glad that I have a person who is willing to support me in this way. I’ve already made my share of mistakes in spite of Sensei’s guidance, which made it all the more important for me to listen this time when it came to trying my first edible. So Sensei tried them first and gave me the go ahead to have both cookies at once, instead of the half I would have tried without the guidance, which would have lead to an uneventful and disappointing experience I'm sure. 

All stupidly scientific like I decided to take notes of the experience. I’m such a nerd, I know. But don’t worry that mood didn’t last long.

One things for sure. I was VERY glad to have cookies to partake of because there was no frackin’ way I wanted to go outside in a blizzard for a puff of my last joint. Given my desire to have at least two evenings a week when I can have a puff I would not have been a happy camper if I couldn't get my midweek dose last night. 

8:19pm the cookies were both eaten and digesting. I read articles on Facebook and watched Veronica Mars.

By 9:14pm I was feeling a slight buzz in my head but nothing noticeable that would speak “Body High” to me. 

9:29pm Heart rate increased, and at times it seemed to pound. I was able to have a normal but short exchange of words with my older daughter who was in the room with me, though I don’t remember what it was about now. Shortly after 9:40pm I was leaning back on the couch and listening to Yaybahar on Youtube. I must have replayed that 7 minute video about 8 times. Simply hypnotic and relaxing! Except, I think there were certain parts of the music that actually made my heart race more. I didn’t like that part. 

9:45pm Sensei was texting; asking if I was feeling anything yet. Looking back at my responses I can tell that the more time that past the more high I was getting. But at the time I couldn't tell. The onset of this body high was definitely

different than a head high. Now I know why Sensei could not describe the difference to me. But let me try using various things I texted during and since last nights experience.

  ‘The onset was gentle and gradual. As time past I sunk deeper in’….'I love the body high way better! Relaxing! Plus heightened senses! Interesting combination.’
…’Body High for the win!’, ‘and the sex is completely different!’ 

Regarding that last topic, I just can’t ignore it, but there is no way I’m about to describe it in too much detail either! The head high has me at orgasm quick and easy. Very little is needed to bring it on if I don’t control it, which I can do now. The body high result is a stronger, more intense experience of all the senses. Kissing, touching, and every aspect of love making resulted in a far more passionate, and physically heighten experience than I have had before or ever thought imaginable. I experienced every sensation, every motion, and every moment with an insatiable desire to experience even more. I also remember it all.

Sleep was deep and restful. By morning I still felt the lingering head buzz and I wasn't too interested in getting out of bed as my body still felt heavily relaxed. 

This needs to be my main method of taking in Cannabis! It just has to! I can eat it in front of the kids and function as normal. Then I am able to excuse myself to bed when the high begins to creep in without anyone being the wiser. It’s ideal for me given how hard it is to hide the smell of smoke at least twice a week. Also I have to come in the house high, with no grace period like an edible gives. It might be a few weeks before I can actually get around to making my first actual batch of something. So I’ve got time to educate myself and choose the best option, as well as where to hide said food item where the kids will not get into it! Hmmm, Chocolate something perhaps! 

Give me your best suggestions. I’m needing all the help I can get! 

I'm That Mom Next Door

“You probably don’t expect the nice mom next door to be getting high,” starts a report on ABC’s “Nightline” titled “Confessions of a Pot Mom.” It originally aired Sept 23rd, 2014 and now seems to be coming up in my Facebook news feed featured in High Times Magazine, and of course The Cannabist. Well, this Canadian Mom is one of those mom’s next door who’s getting high. And I make no apology for it, thought I’m not about to start announcing it from the roof top just yet. Give me at least a year on this stuff and then we shall see. 

Not being in Colorado or Washington States where it is legal to use Cannabis, but instead being in Canada where nothing yet has changed presents some unique challenges. Here are a few I am struggling with.

The first is me! I’m the kind of person who likes to hit the ground running. When I take something on I’m all in, or not at all. I’m not a half-assed type person. So one of my struggles is that I am a newbie. Somehow I want to be more seasoned before I hardly have started. One month and only nine doses in and I’m already wishing I was into bongs, and pipes, and edibles, able to have a puff and head to work, or hang with some friends for the evening and enjoy a bowl together. I have to be reminded frequently to just take one dose at a time and keep on keepin’ on. Gotta start somewhere and not despise my new (and small) beginnings.

Second biggest frustration is all this information available on the internet about strains, and special varieties of cannabis. Each one with slightly different personalities and effects depending on what you need medically or want recreationally. The two families; Sativa or Indica plus hybrids of the two. Then there are the variations with names like Royal Kush, Sour Diesel, or Bubblegum. Before I started I asked Sensei what strain it was that they usually purchased from the supplier. I was actually disappointed to hear I can’t choose what I purchase on the illegal market. Ha! Funny. To some degree I’m over educated on weed! Of course, this only makes me want to get into growing my own so I can have a choice, but that’s not going to be happening any time soon either! That, or I need to encourage Sensei to get a passport so we can do a road trip across country to do some testing where it is legal! Hmmm, Cannabis Vacations sounds like a good business for someone to start. (Note: It already exists...http://coloradohighlifetours.com/ )

Third frustration. I have to hide my cannabis use. Seeing Jane West smoking pot on National television, standing up to society to re-educate a Nation is admittedly inspiring. It’s exactly the kind of thing I would love to eventually do, or at the very least support.  But I think for Canadians, at least for now, that’s not going to happen for a few years. So in the meantime I will have to follow and learn from what’s happening in the States. If jobs are increasing currently in the Cannabis Industry there, they will eventually grow here. If Women are making a big impact in the States both in advocacy and business now, we will eventually be doing the same thing here. Meanwhile, I am willing to watch and learn, and wait my turn to join in when things do change here. For the time being I will learn to be content in continuing this journey as I get more experienced in smoking and hand rolling my own little joints. Eventually taking on new experiences with pipes, bongs, and edibles. Probably even experimenting with dabs, vapes and finding out what this crystal catcher on my grinder will provide me! (See? Such a newbie!)

So I guess I have a pot bucket list of things to experience before I can be any kind of mentor to others when prohibition lifts here in Canada. Lots to learn, lots to do, and courage to gather. But as I said before, when I start something, it’s all or nothing. And I’m all in baby! 

For your entertainment, and education. Here is a video called Stoned Moms that I watched even prior to my first experience with pot. This is partly why I'm over educated in some areas. Highly educational. 
Enjoy.

Revelations from Day 5

So, just a side note to begin…..my unnamed friend who has introduced me to this wonderful herb, supplied me with my first few buds, and has now sold me my first purchased buds, will now and forever be referred to as Sensei. 

sensei: Noun. Japanese for "teacher". Can be used as a suffix in names, and can be used for anyone who is knowledgeable or high in a profession…

Haha! High in a profession!

It kind of came out as a joke actually. I had mentioned to my husband how my friend has advise me to NOT try edibles yet. I’m too new and the effect is a much stronger high, a body high, that I would not be ready for. So hubby makes the statement, “what Sensei says, you need to listen to”. That was it, I decided it’s sticking. Really it just makes life easier when blogging to refer to a person with a moniker of some sort cuz I don’t even want to give away if Sensei is male or female!

I was telling Sensei about my fifth high last week. It had been a week since my last and I was feeling a bit desperate to get out and have a smoke simply because I was noticing how unhappy I was feeling in general. It was time for another dose. 

Sensei laughed at me…I was so intent on getting out to the barn and getting that medicine into me that I literally forgot I was going to get high from it!  I don’t even know! No idea why I forgot about that at all. I got hit suddenly, unexpectedly with that swimmy headed feeling and it dawned on my then, “oh, right! I’m getting high!” 

Perhaps it was my terminology that through me. I kept thinking I needed to get out for a smoke….So Smoking doesn’t get you high. Maybe that’s why I forgot I would get high. At any rate I enjoyed this High by sending a flirty text to Sensei….SO embarrassing! Used the Joey line. Apologized two hours later…Sensei had “high texted’ people before….Great Grace is shown me by this person, I must say! 

Now, that faux pas would have torn at me for hours, and even days, feeling guilty and stupid and embarrassed. I have none of that gunk now! I am done with self loathing and dwelling on my mistakes. If Sensei can show me grace and kindness in the face of some pretty stupid stuff I’ve said or done then I can show myself the same courtesy. We all make mistakes. We all are just blundering about in this life, for the most part, with such unattainable standards in front of us that we forget half the stuff we do is often trial and error, with a few successes thrown in to keep us motivated to keep trying. Well. That’s my perspective now anyway. So life in general feels much less difficult and happy is easier to achieve, and keep. I’m not sure if I dropped the unattainable standard, or gained more grace towards myself….probably both.

Next day I felt like baking! And bake I did! Banana Bread, and Snickerdoodles. You U.S. readers will know what those are! Love them!

Two days after my 5th dose I was still as happy as a lark! In fact, I had tears come to my eyes just thinking how much happier I have been lately! I sent this text, “omg Sensei! How did I live before this!!!!???? I want to cry I'm so happy now.”

I’m sure people who have no knowledge of how this herb works will think my happiness is contrived, or falsely brought on and only there because of the residual effects of the high. The answer to that is yes, and no. Yes it is caused by taking in the THC and CBD from smoking the herb. But it is not a false happy. It is true the happy doesn't last in me forever after one dose, but nor does it only last while high. Just like some Pharmaceuticals are designed to alter brain chemistry, with the desired result being to end depressive thoughts and tendencies, so does the THC and CBD do the same thing. Just like typical prescribed drugs that must be taken daily to keep the change consistent and to be helpful, so the herb must be taken at least 2 times a week for me, to keep my state of mind consistent. So far it’s working beautifully for me! 

Come to think of it, I can’t really say I’m “happy” while high. I think I feel more inconvenienced by the high than anything else. I like the result, I wish it didn’t take up so much of my time before I can go out and function after a dose. Though I don't hate the high either…I’m learning and exploring so much about who I am in the process. Still, if I could choose, I’d rather not be high every time.

Now, on the topic of exploring and the benefits of my new activity, sex with my husband while high is better than anything else I have enjoyed! Ever!! Everything just happens so much easier….and more often! A “happy” wife means a lucky husband in this house! So my husband is happy to see me head out to the barn every few days now. 

Sex With A Song!??

Monday the 29th of December the kids all left to do some after christmas shopping. 

I headed to the barn for a puff around 6pm. Tonight it had dawned on me I could go in there to partake of my second rolled joint. With the lights off. Our barn is big. It holds a lot of junk. Some of the stuff is ours, some of it from others. I took a candle for light, but I figured it would be easier to use then the lighter to relight the joint if it goes out often again. Worked beautifully! Took the ashtray cup. I set up a patio chair beside a dead dehumidifier and Voila! A safe place away from prying eyes, nosey neighbours and the smell is contained. I’m sheltered from the weather as well. We shall see how long it lasts!

Still coughing, I managed to smoke 3/4 of this second joint I had rolled a couple days ahead of time to be prepared for just such a time as this. Blowing out the candle to leave added a new dimension to my return trip out the door to venture back to the house. Sudden blackness. My phone became my saving grace because I was afraid to move!

It’s been long enough now since that night that I don’t remember how I got back in the house or what I did before getting into bed. Time distorted again. I was ridiculously cold again! 

I texted my friend who was apparently online…No answer. Again my friend was missing my high. I so wanted to test out how I was able to communicate while high, but it wasn’t going to happen this night. 

What I did do was decide to enjoy some music this time. Not much else I could do laying there freezing in bed anyway. I had just the song I wanted to watch the video of. I had actually planned to watch this for my first time, but that played out differently. Find the link here to the song. Maybe you will want to enjoy it while high as well. It’s a seven and a half minute long song. I thought it was trippy when not high! So bundled up under the covers again, I watched it on my phone. 

Somewhere half way through the song I was no longer enjoying the visuals and sound sensation. But the song was enjoying me! The song ends with a prolonged mid frequency note which I “woke up” to, realizing I had just somehow, unbelievably, had sex with this song! 

I recall wondering how these artists knew, planned their video and music so perfectly to produce a visual and auditory encounter like that. It felt like it was created that way on purpose. I’m a little embarrassed to say that song pretty much set the mood for the rest of the night. Couldn’t help it. I did try to pull myself out of that direction a couple times, but finally just gave in to its overwhelming power. Three hours later…..I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep! 

Because I was a little more cognizant now I thought I was coming down…nothing could have been further from the truth!  In hind sight, I definitely smoked too much again. I messaged my friend around 4 am. Judging from the text I was still high. I was over sharing. 

Two things happened. 

First, the only thing I had read about that made me nervous was weed could increase sexual appetite. O.K., nervous and intrigued. Having been on anti-depressants in the past for a few years I had a similar experience. It took six weeks for the medication to actually have an effect, and when it literally kicked in I was insatiable! For exactly one week. It was a good week mind you. There were days I’d call my husband at work and ask if he could come home for lunch. That never happened before, or again. This night totally put that week to shame. And for days after a simple memory had me in a state of trying to control myself. 

The second thing that happened; I went to work high the next morning. Not a great idea. I didn't realize I was still high until I was actually at work and needing to interact with people. At home getting ready, it had been quiet and I was alone since everyone else in the house was still asleep. At work I was overwhelmed and lacked judgement, I could tell. I definitely made some bad decisions that day. Even got a co-worker of mine rather mad at me. I’m VERY thankful that person is very easy going and forgiving, and is still talking to me a week later! I didn’t come off this extended buzz until around 2pm. Of course, by then I was just so upset with myself for hurting my friend that I was having a hard time functioning well at work for a new reason. 

Benefits! Still seeing them. 

A sex drive like I’ve never had. This is both wonderful for my marriage and occasionally troublesome. I just need to learn to focus my mind. That helps.

I’m happy. Did I say that before? I did. I will have to find a new benefit for next blog, but for now this one will have to be recycled. I have everything I need in life, and could want really. Why it was so hard to be happy before seems ridiculous now that I am happy.  It proves, for me anyway, that happy is not circumstantial at all. There was and is nothing I can do to make myself happy out of shear will power. Reminding myself of all the good things I have just made me feel worse that I couldn't be happy because of them. 

I don’t need to constantly remind myself of those things now. I just enjoy them. I function in them. I smile because of them. I don’t want to change them. And on a related note, I was wanting to quit my job for about a year now, but couldn’t bring myself to. I think I was depressed, making the idea of a change the only thing that made sense. Now I have no desire to quit. I’m happy with my life, that includes my job. In fact it fits me well and I’m good at it. 

The Underwhelming Night - My second Puff

I really feel like I’m going to forget this second high if I don't write it down…It was not as intense it’s true, but the first and the third were SO intense it is causing my second high to fade in my memory. There are two reasons I’m writing this stuff down here; one is to help me process what is happening.The second reason is to document the benefits, so I don’t forget and don't lose the purpose in what I’m doing. I’m not doing this to get lost in the haze.

Day two….or opportunity number two, really. Four days after the first and only two days before christmas. I came home from work to find no one home and no one expected for at least an hour as the family were christmas shopping. This was stupid move number two! It was still day light out, and not wanting to miss this rare opportunity but not wanting to venture outside and risk actually being seen I lit the last quarter of the first joint in the house…..yes….I really did. 

I hear it now….”dufas”!  

Yup. I’ll admit it. That I am.

I threw the window in my bedroom open and tried to keep the smoke going out, but I think it just blew it all back in. The left over joint wasn't a huge amount that I could accidentally over do it this time. It was just enough to give me that swimmy head feeling and then the thing was done. I was still in my work clothes I was in such a rush to do this thing. I tossed the filter into the toilet not wanting anything to remain and had a shower before laying down. Though I was kind of in a hurry to have my second joint, and to lay down in my room before the family got home, I also made a conscious effort to thoroughly enjoy a warm shower. The nervousness of the kids being able to smell it when they got home nagged at me though. So the enjoyment of relaxing was a bit hampered. 

My husband came home and announced through the door that he could smell it.  I sprayed lysol around the house but it didn’t get rid of the smell. This was not a good option. I’d have to tweak my protocol. I found as long as the bedroom door was closed it was not noticed in the rest of the house. Thankfully.

I laid down and don't really remember much of the next few hours. Except that I was relaxed, and that the time distortion was not as intense as the first time. For that I am thankful. I didn’t sleep this time though. It was just a nice relaxing high, in which I got very cold again. I hate this side effect! I hate being cold! 

This high did not last as long. I was only about two hours by myself in bed, and then I got up and snacked in the kitchen talking to my husband. Dinner was well over by the time I got up, so I ventured into crappy snack food that is not usually found in my house, except that it is at christmas. Food underwhelmed me. I made a mental note to stock better food for my next experience. Drink didn't impress me either. Hmm, munchies not so fun for me apparently. Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

I had purposely been avoiding wine ever since my first experience. I noticed two days after my first high that I was more sensitive to acquiring a wine buzz. That’s new. Usually I can drink two full glasses and not feel a thing ,except that I sleep better. But now I feel that swishy feeling in my head half way through the first glass. Ok, cool….so now I’m very nervous to drink any wine at all in the evening, unless there is absolutely no chance for me to go out and have a puff, like on an evening before work….but that’s the next storey.

Benefits I’m seeing:  A definite increase in sexual interest. This is a huge benefit! I would never have admitted it before, but I really wasn’t into sex at all. It’s not that I didn’t like it. It just seemed like so much work. I thought something was wrong with me and never had the nerve to talk about it to anyone! Not even my husband. Too much embarrassment attached to sex in general to ever consider bringing it up. I guess I did have something wrong with me. I just didn’t have a sex drive at all. I've got one now though! 

A second benefit is, I’m happy. Not just relaxed and happy when I’m high, but generally happy. I bounce around at work, humming, singing and dancing while I go about the work day. I have nothing to complain about. Stupid stuff I do rolls off my back, where I would have obsessed about how stupid I was or looked to someone else for hours. The fact that I can post here about my lack of and new found sex drive is a big deal! Could NOT talk about those kinds of things before. Before fear of what others thought of me suffocated me. I lived out of the fear of what someone might think, or say about me. Now? Not so worried at all. There is SUCH freedom in that! 

Attached to this second benefit is the fact that all this is happening in much less time then it took those blasted anti-depressants to kick in. The only time I took those, it took six weeks before I saw any benefit at all. Those increased my sexual desire too, but only for the first week after the kick in. Then I lost interest again. 

I guess the third benefit so far is more open communication with my husband. This was first forced upon me by my “safe” friend. The idea of helping me into the world of weed was not really welcomed until my husband was in the know. I can respect a person with such integrity! When I finally did bring it up to my husband that’s when the ball started to get rolling. With only two people in my life who actually knew what I was about to embark on, it made for a very small group of people with whom to communicate. If I have something I want to share, my husband it pretty much the goto person, my “safe friend” a close second.

So, although I'd say my execution of high #2 was far from perfect again! I'd have to say the benefits are making up for my newbie-isms. 

My first Time

So like I said before, maybe my first time was a bad trip, but I just don't know any better yet. Maybe its what others strive for, or perhaps it’s exactly what it was suppose to be. At any rate, I have learned that each experience so far is different from the last. I’m still learning.

So that first night. I was complaining to my friend on Messenger how I was frustrated I had no opportunities to have my first smoke. Bluntly, I was told to just go do it after the kids were in bed and then lay down myself. I looked around and noticed my husband sleeping, my youngest sleeping and my other two kids out and not expected back for hours. This WAS my chance! I downed the last of my glass of wine and headed to my room, closed the door and pulled everything out again. 

My first try….      

…..I was proud of myself!

Now to sneak outside and attempt to smoke it without anyone noticing me, a non-smoker smoking, or the smell! 

It was freezing out, but I sat on the dark steps anyway and lit it. It was not the easiest thing to do, that’s for sure, but I thought I could manage somewhat given that I have used puffers before. 

It’s definitely different than puffers! 

It kept going out after every two pulls on it. I’d have to relit it and tried to keep it going. Then, when I was about half way through the joint someone stepped out of their door onto the deck across the road from me for a smoke…I held my breath, tamped out the glowing ember at the end of the joint, and stifled every cough that tried to force its way out of my lungs! At this point, even though the joint was half gone I wasn’t feeling anything. I figured it was because I wasn’t inhaling well yet (I think I was wrong in hind sight). A couple real good inhales with lots of coughing told me I had taken in some actual smoke…and the head began to feel light and dizzy…I decided to go in….then decided to go back out again and finish the damn thing cuz I didn’t know what to do with only 1/4 of it left! 

Aaaaaand my judgement was fully impaired!

I stepped out again, tried to light it again when a taxi pulled up the driveway with my daughter inside….I ran in the house! Stood dumbfounded about what to do, because I was suppose to pay the taxi driver….THAT was NOT going to happen! I basically made straight for my room. And much to my surprise my daughter followed close behind, wanting to tell me about her night. I know I was not acting normal, but couldn't help it. I think I was trying to blow the smell out of my lungs when she wasn’t looking…oh dear! I just needed her to leave and be alone! I pretty much pushed her out of my room and told her I was going to bed.

Free at last, I turned the lights off and climbed into bed more lightheaded then I have ever been. Sense of balance was off, and time was warping. Getting my coat off took lots of work, and happened in an instant, but each move took forever. I distinctly remember thinking about how I would never imagine myself here, doing this when I was in high school, and suddenly I WAS in high school looking forward at me, looking back at me. Then I was sucked back to the present. I was amazed at the intensity of the time dilations I was moving through. And this was me still standing beside my bed, I hadn't even laid down yet. I opted not to change into my Pj’s for fear of falling over, plus time didn't feel on my side with moving. So I just climbed into bed. What I didn’t know until the next day was my bottom was wet from sitting out on the steps. I was frozen all night! (Turns out, all three times now, I freeze. So, it’s just a thing I guess).

So just after midnight I tried to text my friend to say I did it, I had actually smoked my first joint…of course texting when you're in a time warp, and freezing, and can barely move is rather difficult! Plus I was seeing the words on the screen both backwards and forwards all at the same time. It made finding the correct letters to type rather difficult.This is all I got out before my arms were too heavy to hold them up any longer..

I'm forcing myself to text you

I. Oh. Ah. Ha!

Bit scary really

It was scary! What was scary was I didn’t know how long it would last. Would it get more intense, and would I be able to handle the intense multi-sensory overload I was experiencing? The best thing I did before trying cannabis was to watch youtube videos about it. Nothing can really prepare you for your first high, but the one thing I did learn and was what I clung to during this overwhelming few hours, was I was not going to die, and the worst thing you could do was freak out and go to the hospital. So, when I was really overwhelmed, I just reminded myself I was not going to die, I would be ok. 

So for an unknown length of time I lay under my blankets, head covered to keep any heat I might have, in, and swirled through thoughts, and memories. What I didn’t see was colours, or visual stimuli. But it was dark, and my eyes were closed most of the time, I think…

Then suddenly I was wide awake and more aware and had more control of my thoughts and actions. It was 3am! I texted again.

.........

HO-LY-COW!!!!!!

My friend thought I was hilarious when that was read the next morning. But really! how do you put into words what was just experienced!? 

I remember my husband coming to bed and saying something that I found hilarious. I laughed harder then I ever have, but suddenly had no idea what I had found funny. I remember that when I was outside starting to smoke, when I first felt a slight buzz I wanted to smoke more because I was afraid the effect would wear off too soon, and I wanted to experience the full thing. 

My biggest concern was that the buzz lasted SO long! Thankfully I wasn’t working the next day, because the slight buzz was still evident until about 3 in the afternoon. I didn’t drive that day, but did go out christmas shopping. Milk seemed to kill the buzz within a half hour of drinking it. 

I was told, under no circumstances should I have drunk alcohol first. Liquor and then weed is not a good combination ever. I was told that the next morning, which was too late. My judgement was off from the start. I also smoked too much my first time. This was why I wanted a safe place/safe person. All the parameters would have been set for me walking in. So, it didn’t go as planned, but it did finally happen. And I didn’t hate it. As my friend pointed out, now that I had THC in my brain the next time would be different as it accumulates. The goal though, don’t forget….isn’t all about getting high. This is about helping reduce depression and any other helpful positives it might bring.

Benefits so far? Less stress, and a heightened desire for sex. THAT’s new! 

The Lead Up

As far as first times go, you might classify mine as a bad trip. Maybe it was, but I didn’t know any better. 

My initial first step into this world was well planned. It’s the execution that fell through.

I had by this time done a lot of reading. I had even found a list of “TO DO’s” to prepare for your first time. Step one was be with someone you deemed as a safe person, and in a safe place. I asked the only person I knew. The initial response was yes, but after weeks of waiting the yes turned to a ‘maybe in the new year’. I felt like I had been on a roller coaster ride, with every possible weekend, or day off being the possibility of that yes becoming reality, but then being let down with, ‘I’m busy tonight’. It became clear that if it was to be, it was up to me! So the safe place became home….with kids everywhere and up at all hours?!! Not very hopeful! 

I didn’t count, but I’m sure it was at least six weeks from the time I asked until I finally received my first sample. See, not only was I relying on my friend for a safe place, but being a good christian meant I had no idea at all how to go about getting the stuff! So I was also relying on this friend to basically share so I could try it out. I thought sharing was a big deal! Receiving my first tiny ziplock bag was euphoric! I was tickled! And extremely, probably over the top,  thankful.

I literally smelled that bag for days. It’s all I could do! The first whiff was weird, and pungent. Like smelly socks. But the more often I inhaled that strange scent the better it smelled. The more I wanted it, and the more frustrated I got that I had it and could do nothing with it. About day four of having this bag stored in my closet it finally dawned on me that I had not even handled it yet. So out of the baggie it came. Door locked. I held those tiny green buds in my hand, holding it to the light to see if I could see anything glint like they show on Sanjay’s first piece on Weed. Tiny crystals were evident, but nothing like they show on t.v. or in magazines (yes, I’ve read those too). I smelled it again, and when a tiny five fingered leaf fell off, I popped it in my mouth instinctually. I wanted to know what it tasted like….like some kind of mint, surprisingly. It lasted a long time as I rolled it around in my mouth with my tongue and between my front teeth for at least any hour as I did my normal stuff in and out of the house that day. It tasted good enough that I wanted more, but I was unwilling to “waste” it that way. I knew the only way I would experience any effect was to smoke it. And I had yet to get papers, a grinder or even a lighter!

Day five I rushed home from work, changed and rushed down to the only head shop I knew of. I was needing to be prepared in case an opportunity arose. The need to roll hadn't come up before this. If I had been at my friends we would have been using the bong. I again had done my homework first. See, I’ve never even smoked cigarettes before let alone roll them myself. So I had to find out what I needed, and how to do it. I’m very thankful for youtube videos. I learned all I needed and more from a few of those. Big shout out to Expert Joints for such clear instructions! They neglected to mention how much I would cough the first time though. Well, I was warned by my friend at any rate. It’s not pleasant, but short lived.

The staff at the local head shop were good. I had already been in there once under false information. Meaning I lied about why I was in there. But my friend straighten me out. No judgements are cast in those places. I was still operating out of my old mindset that I would be judged on every level. My second time in I was up front with what I thought I needed and that this was my first time. It was still nerve racking for some reason, just so out of my comfort zone. But, that is part of the goal in pursuing this new adventure. I left with a tiny brown paper bag I could hide in my purse stuffed full of a package of papers, filter papers, a green grinder with a catcher for the crystals (huh?), and my first lighter. All for under ten bucks. I had $50 in my wallet thinking this would be much more expensive! So very glad it wasn’t. Of course I still have no idea just how expensive this new adventure could get. At this point I have yet to make my first true purchase of the herb. Is there even such thing as shopping around? Haha!

I took my little package home and with doors closed and locked again I pulled everything out of the bag and took a long look at what I had just done. I had just invested financially in a new direction. A new opportunity, and possible aide to my mental and over all health and well-being. I had just done the unthinkable. I had invested in ME! I felt the weight of each item, the thinness of the rolling papers, and toughness of the perforated filter papers. I opened every opening of the green grinder and wondered at the crystal catcher. I was informed that would eventually contain enough crystals for a “treat” later. Not sure yet what that will include, but at this rate, it will take a year to find out. Until then, that section will remain untouched. 

It was another few days before I would actually take the herb and crush it in my little green machine and take the next step in this big adventure I’m on…..so stay tuned for the night time folded in on itself and I was rather calmly freaking out.

First Time Roller -The Decision.

Welcome to my blog. First day of the year, first blog. 

I have plans. Plans on what to write. Plans for personal growth and improvement. And plans to tell you good humans about my brand new journey into the use of Weed.

I did not make the decision to start using lightly! No one ever should. In my 40’s, married with children is not where I thought I’d be making this choice, but here I am. Never thought I’d make this choice in the first place!

So what lead me to this decision? It’s complex, yet simple.

The journey began a few years ago when I met a co-worker I soon found out was a “pot-head”. I had no knowledge of the culture or misinformation that surrounded the Herb back then. I was firmly entrenched in the misinformation side, obviously! But as I got to know him I found he was the most interesting person I had ever met. He was articulate, intelligent, spiritually minded, always helpful,  and sincere. I had the most interesting conversations with him. Better and deeper than I ever had with pretty much all the christians I associated with. 

You see, I’ve been born again since the 90’s! I have tried to live the life of an upstanding, faithful and humble christian for nearly 20 years. (Really, all I ever felt was judged and not good enough.) So, I was both shocked and intrigued by this individual who seemed to have more in common with my beliefs than anyone else I had met before. It is he who taught me acceptance of others differences and beliefs, and acceptance of myself. 

He introduced me to the world of medical marijuana with Sanjay Gupta’s first piece entitled  Weed . I highly recommend you watch it, and the second one before you decide I’ve been brainwashed. 

  It is compelling! It also got me thinking, that perhaps I too can benefit from this herb to reduce the depression that has overwhelmed me for many years, but it being illegal preserved me from ever really thinking it was a true option. I am not a fan of using pharmaceuticals in general, but especially ones that alter the brain. Up till now I had been shamed into thinking that I was just not a good enough christian because I couldn’t pull it together and just be happy. If God wanted me well, He would heal me…It was a cycle that just dragged me down further into self loathing. It had to stop. But I didn’t know that then, I was still fully in it.

After more than two years of reading and learning off and on about weed but never really considering it as an option, I hit a wall. Not the kind of wall that is internal, but a wall that sprung up in front of me, put up by another christian. I was verbally attacked in a public forum by an immature christian whom I thought was a friend, and way more mature than the attack suggested. Then, my worst fear came true. I found out what others thought of me. In all the years I had know some of these people my only desire was to be wanted, appreciated and even loved by them. Turns out some of them are actually afraid to get to know me. So, I am not only unloved by them but I am unwanted. I’m too complicated, too unstable perhaps. 

Not good enough.

It hurt. A lot! But it’s fine now. It forced me to see who my real friends are, and have been. Very, very few are actually christian. And that’s ok. I have been embarrassed to admit I was a christian at times because of the way other christians behave, judge, and condemn. I want no part of that. Love is the true good news. That HE first loved us, without requiring us to change a single thing about us to earn that love. That is what I want to know, and be known for. Just love. Which does mean I’ll have to eventually forgive the ones who hurt me and love them too….but let’s take one thing at a time! Back to my current story.

Such a painful revelation brought me to the decision that I needed to follow a new path. No longer was I going to do what everyone else expected of me. I was going to find my own destiny and path. For the first time in forever I was going to chose to live and not hide! My new destination is towards self love and acceptance, and healing. This path lead to some christian counselling and healing AND, independent of that, the decision to try weed.

I knew that weed might not be for me, it’s not for everyone. But I was hopeful that the CBD content of the herb would be helpful to me in overcoming depression, as well as pain reduction from a former sports injury. So far it has proven to have benefits I didn't realize were possible!

I do have less self hatred, more self acceptance. I have lost the fear of what others think of me, and gained much more inner peace. I have more enjoyment in my daily life activities now then I ever did striving to be good enough for others, or God. I have more confidence in who I am and where I am in my life journey. I see my current status in life as more of a success than a succession of failures now. All these are small things, yet they are HUGE to me. Mindsets I was stuck in and kept me feeling less than everyone else for years are slowly fading.

My only difficultly now is finding the opportunity to smoke. With kids around, the lack of guidance through this new journey and the demands of my work schedule I have only had the chance to partake three times so far. Each time different, weird, and wonderful…and perhaps a bit overwhelming! 

So, with each new adventure, hurdle, and experience I have chosen you, the reader, to join me in my new quest into this wide and wondrous world as a first time roller.

More to come…….The Lead Up, My First Time, My Second Experience, The Second Joint and Sex with a Song?