Well, I had the MOST surreal day yesterday! I had my doctor appointment yesterday with the man who would determine if I was a good risk to prescribe Medical Marijuana to. I was super nervous! Had trouble sleeping for the first time in three months since I started taking Cannabis regularly. I felt like I was going to be quizzed about why I wanted to make this jump. In my mind it’s not a huge leap, it’s a sensible one. But in society it is a big deal. Not everyone, in fact most would not understand this decision at all! But I’ve done my homework. I know the risks and benefits.
I was so nervous I arrived a half hour early…if you know me, I’m always late. I don’t do early. Ever. I was confused because the office I was going to was in a home with very little signage to tell me what to do….this was rubbing all over my anxiety about being in new places. I was greeted by a friendly familiar face and sat in a comfy sun lit living room. The other patient waiting looked more nervous then I felt, so I started to chat with him. Again, not a normal response for me. I’m usually WAY more shy than to just start talking to a stranger in a strange place. Surprisingly, they offered a free allergy test…..I refused. In part because nothing is ever free, and second, I had an allergy test several years ago and knew I had allergies, which I take Reactin for daily, amoung other meds. I finally gave in when I found out allergies can come and go within as little as three months.
My arm is now a mess. But, I had the BEST conversation with the young man
who did the allergy test for me. In fact the conversation was SO unlike the normal boring everyday conversations I have with most people that I realized my world is completely different from the way it was three months ago! Upside down, completely! I also realized I need more people in my life who think like he does. I’m craving relationship with deep and conscientious thinkers. I’m ready to change the world and be part of a new move that brings that about in some way.
The result. I’m still highly allergic to everything I was seven years ago when I had my first test. The bad news is I’ve been buying, and taking medicine for SEVEN YEARS that is ineffective! I was not told my the initial doctor that the medication he was prescribing me would only be effective for me for about three or four months. I’ve been faithful purchasing a Big Pharm drug for SEVEN years longer than it was effective. A HUGH waste of money! It makes me SO mad!! So we talked about what would be effective, and how to reduce my allergies without meds. I have been empowered with knowledge.
I finally got to meet the doctor at this point. He was a kind looking gentleman in his early 50’s I’d say. He looked Fatherly. We talked. I told him why I was interested in Cannabis for pain management. Given my diagnosis of torn cartilage and Osteoarthritis the prognosis is surgery in say 20 years to replace my knees. Twenty years is a very long time to subject your liver to high doses of multiple pain killers. In fact the pain killers could do damage to my kidneys or liver. I’ve already been on high doses of both Tylenol and Aleve for about four years now. The Doctor told me things like how over time my need for medical marijuana should decrease instead of increase due to the healing nature of the Herb. It stimulates cell regeneration and it decreases inflammation. Those two things alone will over time actually make my knees better instead of worse. Imagine!!! A medicine that actually helps to heal you rather than add new issues to deal with!
The doctor tried to tell me further about how some strains are good for day, and others better for night. HAHA! The look on his face when I said, “Right, Indica and Sativa”. He was impressed I have educated myself. This is not something I’m just wanting to use to get high with. I really do want the medicinal benefits! I have done a lot of reading over the last three months. I even told him how surprised I was to hear that one of the Cannabidiol's found in Weed has been discovered to increase bone density. That is important info that may one day help my family with the Brittle Bone disorder they carry genetically.
We talked about insurance! Whether or not either of our insurance companies cover this prescription he told me how to effectively push them to do so. I admitted I was willing to be a poster child, or an advocate for medical marijuana because of how much it has changed my life already. I even got a little teary eyed as I talked about how the negative talk that was my constant companion just left after trying weed three months ago. I can hardly remember what it was like anymore to always have that there. Such a big change in my life, it still causes me to well up when I even think about it.
So, I’m approved. I will hear from the marijuana provider in a week or two with my Card number. Then I can order my product online from the supplier. I will receive my legal document to possess with my first order. In the mean time, I’m heading out now to take a Cannabutter cooking class offered free at the MFTGroup, and I’ve got some learning to do about what Vapes are best. Because as the Doctor explained I will be dosing myself with a SINGLE puff every hour during the day, including at work and a personal hand held vape will be convent and leaves no smell behind for anyone to realize what I am consuming. Also perfect for home!
Wow! Such a weird, and yet VERY wonderful day I had.
I shocked my husband tonight. I was showing him my new art doodling book, and how I’ve started to stretch my creative abilities. I find it very hard to doodle. Always have. I explained that cannabis can be a creativity booster, so when I get the chance while high I am drawing, or writing. Cuz I find that comes easier too. Anyway, not to get too far off topic, the point was I surprised my husband, with my answer to his question. He asked if I was currently high, which I wouldn't say I am, but I’m still feeling a bit of a buzz. 'Nope, but I have been every day for the last 24 days in a row.' He hesitated. I saw it. I love that he can't tell when I am high. That means I’m not over doing it. I’m not obvious, and it also means that the kids can’t tell either, if my husband can’t….well. I’m hoping they can’t.
I’ve been keeping track of each dose since I started back in mid December. I
use my Period Tracker App on my phone. I have been generally keeping track of what form I take it in, and what number dose this is. Not so much my reactions. Which is what I will have to start doing once I get the card and start with my actual medicinal strains. Its recommended that you keep a dairy of the strain you use, the method you used to take your dose, and what side effects they cause. This is good to do so you are aware of your body, and what issue the cannabis strain addresses, and if its more effective by smoking, vaping or ingesting. So, I haven’t been that diligent yet. But I will be.
So today is day 24 in a row. I have enough cookies to get me well past day 30, which is my current goal. It started off with a walk and a J the first night. The next day was my baking day. I was so gone that day! Ate too much for sure! When I got to the end of the first week of having dosed each evening I realized how easy it was. Knowing that I will be having to dose daily and maybe even multiple times a day once I get my medical prescription I decided to just keep going and see what happens. I have learned how much is too little, and how much is too much. I’ve even dosed myself like I would with Tylenol while I’ve been sick this last week. Four days at home with a bad cold is only fun when you eat pot cookies! I would have between 1/3 and 1/2 a cookie, depending on the size of the cookie, in the morning, then about every 2 or 3 hours again. It kept me functioning and able to get up and do what chores and errands needed doing on those days. I’m still trying to run a household, so I had to get some shit done and the cookies were a great help in letting me do that.
Have I mentioned yet just how much I LOVE edibles?!!? It just makes taking my herb SO much easier! It also takes care of the question of dosing. I can tell how much I’m taking, reduce the amount easily, or increase it. Plus, ya know, not being a smoker makes smoking a joint still complex for me. I’m sure I’m just wasting a lot of weed. But those cookies tho'! Speaking of joints, I guess that’s what I’m going back to for a while once these cookies are gone….what am I going to do!?? I guess, I’ll have to learn the crockpot method of making the butter myself.
My doctor appointment is nearly here! This Thursday I get to see the doctor who will hopefully prescribe medical marijuana for me. I feel like I’m about to go for a test. If I don’t pass I’ll be relying on my current friends for help. If I do pass, and get the Permission to Possess licence then I’ll be on my own I guess. Able to order my own without guidance, or assistance. No middle man…..
Speaking of being alone. I do find it a bit odd to be A) the Newbie, and B) one who is not in it for purely recreational reasons. Maybe, given I know a few stories, neither were the people I know into it for purely recreational reasons at first. Getting high every day for the last 24 days has been an interesting experience. Most of the time I’ve been low dosing. Keeping me awake and functioning while home. On the other hand, I have been waking up wanting to just have another cookie. I restrain if I have to go to work and just wait until I get home. But, I can’t wait to get home! Purely medicinal reasons really….but enjoying the benefits for sure!
I’m sure once I get off the skunk and onto some high quality medical grade stuff there will be a difference. The side effects will be different, and the high will be different. My slight tolerance I’ve been working on will probably go to pot (….ok! Hold the phone! Where is that saying from?!!? and what does it mean?) Thank you Urban Dictionary!
Well, at any rate, I’ll have some news for ya all after Thursdays appointment. Until then I’m keeping happy, and trying to keep healthy. If it doesn't go well I’ll be looking to Sensei pretty soon for some more. I might have to anyway, depending on how quick or how slow the next two steps will be. What’s also weird, is how the idea of going independent feels so forlorn.
Every one gets them, or had them. Growing pains. Usually the idea of them though hovers over the young and still physically growing. Not so much over a woman in her mid 40’s. But, realistically, as you begin to expand in any area of life, be it physical, spiritual, emotional or even social, growing pains can occur. They are just called something different. Like sore muscles from body building (or aging), or spiritual awakening, an emotional breakdown, or even Midlife Crisis. Well, I’m definitely experiencing some growing pains of my own. And I think I’m on a fast track in doing so.
Perhaps this is my Midlife Crisis. Deciding at 45 yrs old to try Marijuana for the first time. And I’m now even sizing up Salvia, MDMA, or another psychoactive to get some deep healing. But not right away. I’ve got lots of research to do still, not to mention some healing, and even growing. I still need to figure out who I am, why I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m sure at least one of those mentioned above will be part of my journey. Just not yet.
Spiritually I am, I think, more on top of the ride rather than under it. I don’t feel torn, or even confused by the new direction I have chosen. Instead I feel empowered, awakened, and for the first time free! I saw this photo on HONY on Facebook with the quote, "I haven't felt guilt since I last had a belief system.” I got the impression he understood what I am feeling for the first time now. A lack of judgement. A lack of guilt. A lack of fear even. Instead, I am choosing to hang on to what has always drawn me to religion and spiritual experiences, the love. We, as humans are love, full of love, created by love, and for love. As an imperfect expression of this all encompassing love it needs to be my life long pursuit to express, and be love to the best of my ability. To not settle for fear of the unknown, or my inability to function in a situation but instead let the love that is in me overwhelm those other feelings to the point of motivation and action. The pursuit of love. Sounds simple enough….But I’m no longer fooled. It can be more complicated than you’d think when dealing with other underlying issues.
Emotionally I think I’ve hit a snag. On the surface I’m fine. Even a layer or two down I’ve got a handle on my normal crisis riddled life, now. But deeper than that something is stunted. I feel it. Like some huge wound that is just out of sight, waiting for me to trip over the jagged edge of it and fall right in. Amlost maliciously. I even suspect the issue stems from mother issues. Never feeling good enough for her. Never doing anything right in her eyes. It just seemed so backwards to me as a teen, especially. How I ended up being the one who did everything wrong, when I chose church and religious activities and my sister could do no wrong while she smoked, had many boyfriends, and even got caught by our mother having sex in our house at 17, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’ve always just tried to push memories like those out rather than confront them and deal with them. I think this is the first thing I really need to confront. It’s a scary thing to consider. The possibility that the gapping hole will swallow me and I’ll never find a way out of it might be remote, but the fear of that happening is tangible. I’m wanting to be bold and attack this. It will happen eventually. One bit at a time. Hopefully with help. But if no help is available it will still be worthwhile to pursue healing. And maybe I’ll learn I don’t need to find a hero other than the one in me.
Socially I’m a high functioning idiot. I can do surface relationship really well. Trying to venture any deeper and I lose the ability to know what’s appropriate and what’s not. I usually come on way to strong. I have always smothered any relationship. If looking backwards tells me anything it says I have little to no experience with deep friendships. Really. I was not close to my sister, and the friends I had as a kid may have been within the neighbourhood and in my same classes, but the ridicule and exclusion I suffered from so many of them created a very shy and self conscious young woman. Anger too came from the feeling of powerlessness most likely. Depression also became a struggle due to the feeling of being rejected, and feeling alone.
I somehow managed to get married, to another wounded person. So our marriage is functioning but I wouldn’t call it super successful. Frankly with as much crisis as this family has encountered, and the stress it created it’s a wonder we are still an intact family. We always had to deal with the crisis at hand and never had time to focus on how to have healthy relationships. It’s just easier now to just ignore, or put up with what I dislike since he’s a good man, and it’s not bad enough to fix, but not great enough to thrive. This area is far too sensitive to bring up any further. Too much pain.
Even I can see the tangled mess of one flowing into the next. They are all connected, making an endless loop. The emotional and social mess I am effect my spiritual life also. Why else would I always feel unable to please God?! No matter how hard I tried. Mentally beating myself up for not being good enough. Always hearing the words of Jesus in a tone of voice that burned with disappointment, and frustration, or anger, or annoyance. As hard as I tried. As much as I desired it, I could not hear Him saying anything in a loving tone, with a kind voice and a kind face. So I’ve stopped trying. I’ve stopped focusing on trying to feel loved and instead I’m focusing on giving love.
So the tangled mess of everything does sometimes drown out the pleasures of everyday blessings. Thus I’ve become more aware and now I often make a conscious effort to enjoy the moments right in front of me. The choice to do so helps to keep everything else in perspective. When I use to focus on the mess, either on the inside, or the outside it just produced depression. Now, I am much more happy and fulfilled in my boring everyday life. Because in this boring everyday life there are some really fantastic moments, some really amazing friends, and some interesting experiences. The knowledge that I am now gathered into the greater good of this world, strategically placed to spread love and kindness to whomever my life encounters, to the best of my ability gives my everyday life purpose and meaning and joy.
While I could very easily digress to the negative perspective as I have done for so long, now I chose differently. Sometimes that choice has to be made everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Other times I forget altogether. Eventually I remember to shift my focus to staying in the moment and being the Love I know I am. These are choices that have no attachment to a religion, a denomination, a creed, or a sect. But they do have a spectacular reaction in a humans life once they are choose.
I’m so glad I am waking up.
It feels good to be present in my own life, instead of wishing it away.
