And since this blog is about first year or newbie issues I think it's fair topic to discuss here.
I was introduced to Cannabis through a friend. After nearly a year of reading and watching docs I decided go for it. I found it removed the pain in my knees making me quicker at work, stopped my restless legs at night, allowed me to sleep an entire eight hours, and it took care of the negative nancy in my head. I was happy for the first time in my life. I danced about the house, my work was more fun and I stopped looking for another job.
That lasted for about six months. Then I sustained a work place injury. Rotator Cuff, repetitive movement injury. That was August 2015. I've never been the same since.
Once I was cold, stable, and analytical (and easily angered). After Cannabis I was a happy, hopeful person. Now I'm an emotional basket case. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm more insecure than ever, and my trust meter is even lower than it use to be.
Granted, these changes didn't come without cause! My Physiotherapist explained that the physical pain center of the brain is exactly the same as the emotional pain center. That's one of the reasons a person can have physical pain but no physical symptoms. It really is all in our heads. But it's real emotional pain. Just manifesting physically. That's part of the explanation for me, never having dealt with root issues.
As a "doer" my shoulder injury reduced me to near helpless. Off work and lots of time on my hands I couldn't clean my house, wash or put away my dishes, fold laundry, chop food or stir a pot to make dinner. Asking for help was exhausting. And embarrassing. And frustrating. I'd have to ask my husband or kids for help and then wait for the help that didn't always come. So I'd have to ask more than once, daily.
The rest of life is one big ball of stress. Workers Comp refused my claim (yes I'm fighting it- it's a very long process with very little information. Finally got good news last month, the WCB Advocate is finally on my case!) Meanwhile I've been on EI. Until someone through Service Canada suggested I apply for a program to cover me while I was away for a month in another Province to care for my youngest (14) during her surgeries. I couldn't justify saying I could work and look for a job while I very well couldn't! So I lost EI and have been trying to get it back now for months. It has devastated us financially. I have received no money for the last 4 months. And that's not all of it, but I'll spare you the other long details. It's been stressful, exhausting and defeating to say the least.
This is carrying over into my attitude toward cannabis. I'm starting to doubt that this was a good idea. I've been so overwhelmed by everything that I'm not handling simple things well anymore. I'm suspecting that cannabis is making me emotionally unstable. Or at least making my emotional instability worse.
So today I'm not going to have any cannabis at all. At this point I'm not sure how long I'll avoid it but the whole weekend is my starting point.
With the absence of a really strong support group I don't have a trusted person to bounce my questions or concerns off of. No one to remind me of why I started this journey. Maybe that's my own fault. Being too afraid of being misunderstood or of judgement to open my mouth and communicate.
Real or imaginary I already feel judgment and disapproval from my kids. So I'd rather take this time off to decide if this really is helping me, or not!
If Cannabis really is medicinal then I should be brave enough to admit if it's not working for me. Maybe it was before but now it's not. Maybe it will again eventually. Maybe it is working well and I'm just too overwhelmed by everything else to be able to tell. Maybe I'm just out of sorts because I was not able to find an appropriate strain to match my symptoms while I have had no money all this time. It could be any one of those reasons. It's worth testing to find out. So just like testing different strains and methods of intake to see what effects are felt I'm kind of doing the opposite. Finding out what I feel or find when not on it at all.
As far as my pain goes I can resort to Tylenol and Alieve like I use to. They took care of my pain just fine before. Maybe I can still avoid damaging my kidneys or liver by insuring I eat and drink healthier. More water to flush me out, less coffee and sugary drinks that bog my systems down. Cuz repair of my knees isn't expected for 15 yrs or more.
And as far as depression goes I'm at the point were I'd rather feel nothing again. I'd rather not worry that my kids (or anyone else for that matter) is thinking I'm unstable. I'm so overwhelmingly embarrassed that I'm so emotionally unstable. It seems like the worse I feel the worse my decision making is. So I'm going to test that out too.
If I had to theorize what my results will be, I'm suspecting my emotional instability is not related to my cannabis use. It might be exacerbated by it though. So I need to find that out because I'll doubt myself until I rule it out.
I also suspect I might just be better off medicating with topicals to reduce pain and inflammation. Especially if the cannabis is heightening my emotions while in these highly stressful situations.
That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm writing about it. To be accountable and honest with all of you is of upmost importance to me. Cuz if I can't be bold enough to say it's not working then I feel I'm doing dishonour to the very fact that we claim cannabis to be medicine. If big pharma drugs don't work we tell our doctor and we (or they) make changes. I don't want to be stubborn because I want it to work. Or just because it's cannabis. If I'm bold enough to say, 'hey, maybe this isn't working for me right now then that gives others permission to do the same.
So, we shall see how this goes. I might be all for this until my legs start twitching in bed tonight and I can't sleep. Or I'll just learn how to deal with lack of sleep again like I use to. It's not like I've never done that before.
A very Quick shout out to MaryLovesGlass for sharing my blog a couple times on Facebook over the last week. My views have increased significantly. I wish I could force myself to feel happy about it. I'm certainly thankful for the encouragement! I've felt more frustrated by my blog over the last month than ever, to the point where I've removed some posts because I've not had the confidence to keep them online. And I've posted and since removed youtube videos too.
So don't take MaryLovesGlass's saying at the end of her videos, "Smile at someone today" as just a nice tag line. It is important to smile at or even encourage someone everyday. It might be the only smile or encouragement that person gets all day, or week! You never know what's really going on in the background of their life, and one smile could help make the difference in turning their perspective a little more positive.
Here is my favourite Quote from Doctor Who's best episode. Vincent and The Doctor.
Check out my follow up post on what I gleaned from my week off Here!
